If we claim then to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son Purifies us from all sin.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:6-9
So what does that mean.
For me I have been opening myself up with a small group of guys. It is hard. So very hard to admit my failures and sin. Yet, I know the importance in doing this. It means that I am willing, even though it is so hard, to be in the light. If I am to understand this scripture and if I am to look back at my past, I am reminded that walking in the dark did me no good. When I closed myself off to those that cared about me...it sent me further into the dark and led me to live away from everyone for 8 years. I tried to walk in goodness and yet, I was living in the dark. Not willing to admit my sin...because I did not see that it was sin.
Realizing the importance of this aspect in life has become key for me. Is it easy or getting easier? A little bit. It is easier now to talk more about how I am doing. How I am feeling in regards to my relationship with God and what I desire.
I have had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I desire more. I want passion. I want the passion of the Holy Spirit to dwell in my. I want to have this incredible relationship with God that is so intense and amazing that it encompasses my every relationship and every part of my.
I have so much to learn.
My prayer this week has been that God would realign my spirit and will. That he would encompass me...that I would experience this passion that I long for.
I am struggling with living alone. I love it, yet it is lonely. I was thinking today as I walked to the University that I so loved having someone in the house with me...even though we did not do everything together. There was this security.
I realize that I am part of a community that loves me. I have some very dear friends who have adopted me into their family. I see them interact and am in awe. Yes, they have problems but they are so open with their feelings and express them to one another. Wow, to have that.
I started this blog to be transparent. I pray that I will continue to be that. That I continue to be that here on my site as well as with those that I have relationships with. My coworkers, my family, my friends.
Life is too short to not be transparent. Why do we hold on to the hurts and sorrows? Why do we not go to those that have hurt us or who we have hurt?
Being human is sometimes not all that fun...but we have the cross, the amazing cross infront of us. It gives us grace...and now we need to walk in that grace to walk in relation with other people.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
The Cross before me
Where to begin with the image of the cross so burned into my image.
Yesterday was another living waters evening. I went knowing that I would again have to confess a failure. How my heart was pumping and even though I knew that this would be a safe place, I still felt the constraint to maybe not mention anything. I went against what I was feeling and opened myself up.
This weeks lesson was really on the "will" of God as well as our own "will". I went into the evening wanting to really have my will line up to God's. How I often have such a weak will. That I don't stand firm when I should.
So at the end of the lesson, we prayed a prayer and someone sprinkled water on us. Then someone said that if anyone wanted to come to the front...there is a cross there, that we could come to symbolize the laying of our will at the foot of the cross. I am not one to go up. But I felt this spring in my chair and then there I was at the foot of the cross. Kneeling there I gave to Christ my will. My feeble attempt to try and do things on my own. You would think by now I would know better. Realizing again the magnitude of my decision to leave the gay lifestyle and the magnitude of leaving my ex partner. Realizing the importance of the cross. To have it in my vision as I face each new challenge everyday.
Two weeks ago, I went swimming with my student that I work with. Before going in the pool, I took off my cross that I wear. I can't for the life of me find it. I have searched for 2 weeks in pockets and it is no where. Wearing the cross for me has been a constant reminder of what Christ did for me. So not wearing one has been hard. I have found this week especially that I sometimes am reaching to my neck and there is nothing there and so I pray. I pray for the continued reminder of the importance of the cross. That I can lay everything there. That God gave the greatest sacrifice for me....for me! If I was the only person alive it would have still been done for me. To understand that...well, it challenges me. It challenges me to move forward. It challenges me not to give up. When I am overwhelmed with memories and thoughts or failures, I can say that I won't give in. I will not move backward. I see the cross as the ultimate gift.
So as I journey onward, I pray always to be reminded of the cross before me.
I read a letter from a friend who has been called to start up a church in a pretty affluent area in Vancouver. I read a letter from someone who was negative toward their letter that they sent out to thousands of people in the neighborhood. Having worked in the area I know the people. Most of the people have degrees...Have studied and are rather wealthy.
So for them to realize there is something "more" to life is hard. For they have the funds to medicate their loneliness and they have the intellect to tell them that believing in God is futile and only for the uneducated who need that crutch. He was even likened to the United States Right Wing Christian Movement.
I was quite saddened really after reading the letter. Part of me understood the person writing. If I had been given that letter a year or two ago, I too would have probably responded in a similar way. That saddened me. It also made me thankful that I am not there anymore. That through my journey...God rescued me. He became evident in my life and I came to realize that there was more to life than just working, eating, breathing and going to the best restaurants or the latest art openings. He wanted me to know there was more to life than just medicating the problems. So my heart goes out to the people in that area. I have been there. The cross was no where close to my vision...Yet reminders where given constantly. That is how good and gracious my God is. I hope and pray that others will see the true need that their spirit cries out for. It is not saying no to education or wealth. But it is realizing the cross before them. That there is a gift more precious than gold or silver....more precious than any intelligent conversation that you can have and with it...it will change your life.
Yesterday was another living waters evening. I went knowing that I would again have to confess a failure. How my heart was pumping and even though I knew that this would be a safe place, I still felt the constraint to maybe not mention anything. I went against what I was feeling and opened myself up.
This weeks lesson was really on the "will" of God as well as our own "will". I went into the evening wanting to really have my will line up to God's. How I often have such a weak will. That I don't stand firm when I should.
So at the end of the lesson, we prayed a prayer and someone sprinkled water on us. Then someone said that if anyone wanted to come to the front...there is a cross there, that we could come to symbolize the laying of our will at the foot of the cross. I am not one to go up. But I felt this spring in my chair and then there I was at the foot of the cross. Kneeling there I gave to Christ my will. My feeble attempt to try and do things on my own. You would think by now I would know better. Realizing again the magnitude of my decision to leave the gay lifestyle and the magnitude of leaving my ex partner. Realizing the importance of the cross. To have it in my vision as I face each new challenge everyday.
Two weeks ago, I went swimming with my student that I work with. Before going in the pool, I took off my cross that I wear. I can't for the life of me find it. I have searched for 2 weeks in pockets and it is no where. Wearing the cross for me has been a constant reminder of what Christ did for me. So not wearing one has been hard. I have found this week especially that I sometimes am reaching to my neck and there is nothing there and so I pray. I pray for the continued reminder of the importance of the cross. That I can lay everything there. That God gave the greatest sacrifice for me....for me! If I was the only person alive it would have still been done for me. To understand that...well, it challenges me. It challenges me to move forward. It challenges me not to give up. When I am overwhelmed with memories and thoughts or failures, I can say that I won't give in. I will not move backward. I see the cross as the ultimate gift.
So as I journey onward, I pray always to be reminded of the cross before me.
I read a letter from a friend who has been called to start up a church in a pretty affluent area in Vancouver. I read a letter from someone who was negative toward their letter that they sent out to thousands of people in the neighborhood. Having worked in the area I know the people. Most of the people have degrees...Have studied and are rather wealthy.
So for them to realize there is something "more" to life is hard. For they have the funds to medicate their loneliness and they have the intellect to tell them that believing in God is futile and only for the uneducated who need that crutch. He was even likened to the United States Right Wing Christian Movement.
I was quite saddened really after reading the letter. Part of me understood the person writing. If I had been given that letter a year or two ago, I too would have probably responded in a similar way. That saddened me. It also made me thankful that I am not there anymore. That through my journey...God rescued me. He became evident in my life and I came to realize that there was more to life than just working, eating, breathing and going to the best restaurants or the latest art openings. He wanted me to know there was more to life than just medicating the problems. So my heart goes out to the people in that area. I have been there. The cross was no where close to my vision...Yet reminders where given constantly. That is how good and gracious my God is. I hope and pray that others will see the true need that their spirit cries out for. It is not saying no to education or wealth. But it is realizing the cross before them. That there is a gift more precious than gold or silver....more precious than any intelligent conversation that you can have and with it...it will change your life.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
cabin
Went to the cabin this weekend.
I bid bye bye to the cats and went on my way.
It was hard leaving them alone for just one night. I tried not to worry. But I do live in the West End...for those who don't know Winnipeg, this area of town has a fair bit of crime. I am not overly worried. I pray a protection around the house and trust that everything will be alright. It is actually a great place to be in. You do not take for granted anything.
I picked up my brother and we picked up the all important coffee and headed up to The Narrows. We got there and went to work. It was great to sweat a bit and see some progress made on my dad and his wife's cabin. Then we ate steak and talked until the wee hours...well, I jammed around 1030 as I was exhausted.
We talked about faith, life, community and then I was asked if I was happy. Was I really happy?
I said yes. I did add however the aspect of change. With change there comes a time of sorrow and grieving. I was asked...one minute I am living in BC and am gay and now I am saying that I wasn't even gay to begin with. I can see the confusion and the questioning. Understanding Same sex gender issues is eye opening. It has been for me. To understand my legitimate needs in terms of connecting with men. But how that was twisted to be sexual. How it was never met to have been like that.
So while the 3 of us talked, I felt for one of the first times a feeling like I was one of the "guys". It was good!
I am reminded of a passage in Romans
Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Hoping for restoration. Hoping for wholeness. Understanding my weakness and realizing the Spirit helps me in my weakness. I talked about speaking in tongues with my the guys and I explained a situation when I was in Langley and was breaking up with my ex and sometimes all I could do was groan and moan and somehow, I knew I was communing with God. I had no words to express how I was feeling, yet the groans and moans where interpreted by the spirit. If you read on in Romans, you will find that explaination.
So I hope in many things and wait patiently. Knowing that I have a far bigger God that I can ever imagine, who loves me far more than I can comprehend.
I bid bye bye to the cats and went on my way.
It was hard leaving them alone for just one night. I tried not to worry. But I do live in the West End...for those who don't know Winnipeg, this area of town has a fair bit of crime. I am not overly worried. I pray a protection around the house and trust that everything will be alright. It is actually a great place to be in. You do not take for granted anything.
I picked up my brother and we picked up the all important coffee and headed up to The Narrows. We got there and went to work. It was great to sweat a bit and see some progress made on my dad and his wife's cabin. Then we ate steak and talked until the wee hours...well, I jammed around 1030 as I was exhausted.
We talked about faith, life, community and then I was asked if I was happy. Was I really happy?
I said yes. I did add however the aspect of change. With change there comes a time of sorrow and grieving. I was asked...one minute I am living in BC and am gay and now I am saying that I wasn't even gay to begin with. I can see the confusion and the questioning. Understanding Same sex gender issues is eye opening. It has been for me. To understand my legitimate needs in terms of connecting with men. But how that was twisted to be sexual. How it was never met to have been like that.
So while the 3 of us talked, I felt for one of the first times a feeling like I was one of the "guys". It was good!
I am reminded of a passage in Romans
Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Hoping for restoration. Hoping for wholeness. Understanding my weakness and realizing the Spirit helps me in my weakness. I talked about speaking in tongues with my the guys and I explained a situation when I was in Langley and was breaking up with my ex and sometimes all I could do was groan and moan and somehow, I knew I was communing with God. I had no words to express how I was feeling, yet the groans and moans where interpreted by the spirit. If you read on in Romans, you will find that explaination.
So I hope in many things and wait patiently. Knowing that I have a far bigger God that I can ever imagine, who loves me far more than I can comprehend.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Again...Lord?
It has been a while since I have posted. I needed a break. Not because I did not want to post. I did. But there was this feeling that said wait. Wait a minute...take a breath.
I think it interesting that I can't sleep and it is snowing and it is just white all around. Quite beautiful actually. The snow covers up the dirt, it covers up the garbage and makes things look fresh. I live in a pretty rough/tough area of town. So looking outside now, everything looks peaceful and serene. The trees are blanketed with fresh snow and the ground is covered.
I feel like I should write tonight.
Last week was a rough start. I did not focus. I faultered and wondered why?
I asked why?
Why God?
Why was I not stronger or more capable of saying no?
Am I supposed to learn something here?
I have become increasingly more aware of my failings, as well, I have become increasingly more aware of when I call out. When I take steps that lead me closer to God instead of farther away.
So when I ask 'why God', it is leading me closer to him. I would never have pondered that question upon him, yet I feel like I can now. I want to hear from him more and more...and in doing so, he renews my mind. He takes the patterns that are ever present and starts making new ones. YIPEE!
My brother told me to read Galations 5. Freedom in Christ.
This is what I heard while reading....
1...stand firm
2...have faith in Christ and have hope
3...serve one another in love. Love your neighbour as yourself...but you first have to love yourself.
So do I love myself?
As a christian, I have always thought, "I cannot love myself, that means I am self centered. Not really. Do I treat myself with respect? Do I act as though my body is a temple?
Then we have the ever present sinful nature. This is because we live in a sinful and fallen world. While reading the list I am reminded of my sinful nature...
sexual immorality,
impurity, debauchery
idolatry, witchcraft
hatred, discord, jealous fits of rage
self ambition, dissensions, factions and envy
drunkenness, orgies and the like.
Read how each of the words on each line go together.
But because I am washed clean and the blood of Christ covers me, I now take up the fruit of the spirit....
Love, joy
peace, patience
kindness, goodness
faithfulness, gentleness
self control.
Despite living in this fallen world I need to heed to the fruits of the spirit. As I go about my day, do I live in love and joy. Is the spirit evident for others to see...and they see that by the fruits of the spirit.
It is almost a week since beginning this post. It has become ever more clear for me that living in community is the way to go. As I live alone, I wonder...how is this living in community? My week should be built on that and living alone means it is more important than ever to make those social connections. Having moved back from BC this year and now having to "start over", make new friends and reconnect with family...it is hard. I have lived for so long busy with life. Working, driving, looking after cats and sleeping. So now I have to push myself to get out there. That is a wee bit scary...but for me it is important.
I made a meal for a family that I know. There is 5 of them. When I invited them, they asked if I knew what I was getting in to with having them all over. I LOVED it. For me cooking and breaking the bread is something that is so important to our community living aspect. I hope to do more of that in the coming year.
I think it interesting that I can't sleep and it is snowing and it is just white all around. Quite beautiful actually. The snow covers up the dirt, it covers up the garbage and makes things look fresh. I live in a pretty rough/tough area of town. So looking outside now, everything looks peaceful and serene. The trees are blanketed with fresh snow and the ground is covered.
I feel like I should write tonight.
Last week was a rough start. I did not focus. I faultered and wondered why?
I asked why?
Why God?
Why was I not stronger or more capable of saying no?
Am I supposed to learn something here?
I have become increasingly more aware of my failings, as well, I have become increasingly more aware of when I call out. When I take steps that lead me closer to God instead of farther away.
So when I ask 'why God', it is leading me closer to him. I would never have pondered that question upon him, yet I feel like I can now. I want to hear from him more and more...and in doing so, he renews my mind. He takes the patterns that are ever present and starts making new ones. YIPEE!
My brother told me to read Galations 5. Freedom in Christ.
This is what I heard while reading....
1...stand firm
2...have faith in Christ and have hope
3...serve one another in love. Love your neighbour as yourself...but you first have to love yourself.
So do I love myself?
As a christian, I have always thought, "I cannot love myself, that means I am self centered. Not really. Do I treat myself with respect? Do I act as though my body is a temple?
Then we have the ever present sinful nature. This is because we live in a sinful and fallen world. While reading the list I am reminded of my sinful nature...
sexual immorality,
impurity, debauchery
idolatry, witchcraft
hatred, discord, jealous fits of rage
self ambition, dissensions, factions and envy
drunkenness, orgies and the like.
Read how each of the words on each line go together.
But because I am washed clean and the blood of Christ covers me, I now take up the fruit of the spirit....
Love, joy
peace, patience
kindness, goodness
faithfulness, gentleness
self control.
Despite living in this fallen world I need to heed to the fruits of the spirit. As I go about my day, do I live in love and joy. Is the spirit evident for others to see...and they see that by the fruits of the spirit.
It is almost a week since beginning this post. It has become ever more clear for me that living in community is the way to go. As I live alone, I wonder...how is this living in community? My week should be built on that and living alone means it is more important than ever to make those social connections. Having moved back from BC this year and now having to "start over", make new friends and reconnect with family...it is hard. I have lived for so long busy with life. Working, driving, looking after cats and sleeping. So now I have to push myself to get out there. That is a wee bit scary...but for me it is important.
I made a meal for a family that I know. There is 5 of them. When I invited them, they asked if I knew what I was getting in to with having them all over. I LOVED it. For me cooking and breaking the bread is something that is so important to our community living aspect. I hope to do more of that in the coming year.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
laying things bare
Okay, okay...God I get it!
Painful as it is...I know this is real. I have a conscience. I have the spirit inside of me which convicts me of sin. So what do I do about it? Remembering what I did years ago and where that took me, shakes me into reality.
I quickly submit to God, to those who love and suport me who walk with me, showing me Jesus.
Realizing the wonderful aspect of being a body of believers who are real. Who understand their failings and who accept their brokenness.
I was asked a very thought provoking question this week, after sharing some tough issues that I have faced this past week.
"does it feel like you have been white knuckling it in regards to staying sexually sober?"
Ah....and when that fails where does that leave your resolve?
It made me think of how I face my struggle and my sin. How I face my fears and my shortcomings. Do I really give it all to God? or do I try my best to hold out until I fall?
I hope it is not the later, but sadly enough it is.
So I ask God again...tear my heart....tear it to pieces...and then rebuild. Again, it is a heart issue that I am dealing with. Something that I am not familiar with, but one that I want to embrace.
I am learning what it means to be a man. A brave one at that. Not trying to boast or be proud, because I am very broken and fully embrace God as my strength, especially in my weakness. But I am understanding bit by bit, what it means to be a man. A man who recogonizes his shortcomings and runs for helpt. I remember years ago, if I had a sexual fall, I would more than likely not talk about it and keep it hidden. But now I run for help...maybe not the same day, but a day later is pretty good.
So laying things bare....laying my life bare.
i was reading my poetry book and was struck at an entry in 1997. now this was the year I walked away from my faith and this is what it looked like!
Wandering
legs aching
head spinning
watching
looking
wondering.
Thoughts race
heart pounds
feet move faster
chosen
embraced
caressed
loved...?
for a moment.
used
wasted
tired
dead.
kpw97
How life has changed since. For those reading...or interested in reading...I want to leave you with one piece of advice from one broken down vessel, who is being mended daily....be open! As hard as it is and as horrific it might feel, open your life up. Sure it might feel painful, but in the end, the joy you will feel is life changing. I will continue to open myself up...be quick to confess, and to reach out before it is too late.
Thanks to those who are my supports, mentors and friends....I love you all.
Painful as it is...I know this is real. I have a conscience. I have the spirit inside of me which convicts me of sin. So what do I do about it? Remembering what I did years ago and where that took me, shakes me into reality.
I quickly submit to God, to those who love and suport me who walk with me, showing me Jesus.
Realizing the wonderful aspect of being a body of believers who are real. Who understand their failings and who accept their brokenness.
I was asked a very thought provoking question this week, after sharing some tough issues that I have faced this past week.
"does it feel like you have been white knuckling it in regards to staying sexually sober?"
Ah....and when that fails where does that leave your resolve?
It made me think of how I face my struggle and my sin. How I face my fears and my shortcomings. Do I really give it all to God? or do I try my best to hold out until I fall?
I hope it is not the later, but sadly enough it is.
So I ask God again...tear my heart....tear it to pieces...and then rebuild. Again, it is a heart issue that I am dealing with. Something that I am not familiar with, but one that I want to embrace.
I am learning what it means to be a man. A brave one at that. Not trying to boast or be proud, because I am very broken and fully embrace God as my strength, especially in my weakness. But I am understanding bit by bit, what it means to be a man. A man who recogonizes his shortcomings and runs for helpt. I remember years ago, if I had a sexual fall, I would more than likely not talk about it and keep it hidden. But now I run for help...maybe not the same day, but a day later is pretty good.
So laying things bare....laying my life bare.
i was reading my poetry book and was struck at an entry in 1997. now this was the year I walked away from my faith and this is what it looked like!
Wandering
legs aching
head spinning
watching
looking
wondering.
Thoughts race
heart pounds
feet move faster
chosen
embraced
caressed
loved...?
for a moment.
used
wasted
tired
dead.
kpw97
How life has changed since. For those reading...or interested in reading...I want to leave you with one piece of advice from one broken down vessel, who is being mended daily....be open! As hard as it is and as horrific it might feel, open your life up. Sure it might feel painful, but in the end, the joy you will feel is life changing. I will continue to open myself up...be quick to confess, and to reach out before it is too late.
Thanks to those who are my supports, mentors and friends....I love you all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)