the way is pretty narrow, can you walk it?

I have talked about the road less traveled and the way of the cross. Tonight we spoke with a group of skaters. They requested that we come in and talk about the issues of homosexuality and what they can do in terms of relating to friends who have come out to them.

It was good, to talk to them, relate to them that regardless…you love your friends. Why is it so hard to love others? Authentically? Without pretense? Without judgement?

If we take the stand that in the end of days, it will not be us who stand doing the judging rather that of God, the eternal Father. He will judge us according to the things we have done here on earth. How we have chosen to live and experience life. I remember full well when that reality of truth entered my being.

It was a process of days, weeks, months, years, that brought about this realization, into full context for me. I believe that God gently woos us with his love. He is a respecter of people and will not force himself upon a person. Rather, he gently guides.

I remember traveling to and from Vancouver, when I lived in Langley. One day, the sunrises struck me with awe. Then it was the sunsets that struck me. I remember commenting all the time at how they looked. It was really amazing actually. At times, I would just sit quietly looking in amazement at this wonderful creation experience. Each sunset and sunrise was different, often bringing about a different expression of love. Deep down, I knew that God was doing something. You can suppress God and the things he is doing, and your heart becomes cold and hardened. I had done that. I forgot about him. I forgot to take delight in the things he was showing me and trying to teach me. I was walking in rebellion to how he wanted me to live. In the midst of that rebellion however, I learnt a lot about life. God has shown me that he was there in the midst of the rebellion...waiting for me to decide.

Rebellion feels good for a while. You get a feeling of invincibility. You don’t think of the consequences of your actions, rather, you live for the moment, getting your pleasures met. We are living in a world where rebellion is a common practice. Theology is twisted to meet our needs, our wants and our desires. I once took great delight in the way it proved that the way I wanted to live made sense, rather than the more narrow way of God. Did I seek God in how I wanted to live? Did I pray that the holy spirit would direct my course?

In the end God continued to draw me and love me, regardless of the choices I had made. I started to dream dreams, and started to feel a deep unsettling in my inner man and realized that I could not go on any more in my quest to meet my own needs and desires the way I wanted them met.

I believe fully that God is shaking up his people, beginning in the church and extending outward. I believe that we are in the last days, and God is a jealous God. He wants to be in relationship with his people. He wants us to know him.

Life is but a breath compared to eternity and I desire to be seeking after God in all I do. In all the actions and plans that have to be made, I desire God to be the head of those plans.

Often times, the world will look at these thoughts and laugh. I have been listening to an artist named Misty Edwards and she sings a song about Noah, and these days are like Noah’s days. People will laugh at us when we choose God and the things he calls us to do. When we fast and pray, people will not understand! When we look to serve and give way past our means. When we lay down our lives for another. When we lay down our own fleshly desires to follow after God and His desires. It is foolish to the ways of the world. Yet, I am not apart of the world. I am an alien to the world. I am here to do God’s will. To serve him.

It sounds like life would be zero fun, yet, there is much joy and peace knowing that God is in control of everything.

So I continue to walk the narrow path. Trusting that no matter what, God in his love for me, his child will guide me and protect me and provide for my every need.

Rend my heart

Joel 2:12 "Even now," declares the Lord, "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." Rend your heart (which means turn so radically from sin that it causes discomfort) and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing, grain offerings and drink offerings for the Lord your God.
Blow the trumpet in Zion, declare a holy fast, call a sacred assembly. Gather the people, consecrate the assembly; bring together the elders, gather the children, those nursing at the breasts. Let the bridegroom leave his room and the bride her chamber. Let the priests who minister before the Lord, weep between the temple porch and the altar. Let them say, "Spare your people, O Lord. Do not make your inheritance an object of scorn, a byword among the nations. Why should they say among the peoples, "where is their God?"

Tonight, I finished the book Rewards of Fasting by Mike Bickle and Dana Candler. It is challenged me and made me realize that my life needs to be different. I want it to be different. I am so prone to Western Christianity...this feel good, pleasure seeking society. I am a sinner, yes saved by grace, but a sinner still. I fail miserably in devotions, prayer and battle doing things on my own, rather than in community with others. I want to see God move in dramatic ways in my life, because I want to be a willing servant of my most high God. I long to see the bridegroom come. But that takes effort...on our behalf. Complacency and apathy does not line up with the end time church. I do not want that...I want to be prepared when the things of this earth get even more evil, I want to know how to respond to those who cry out.

I believe there will come a day when we will see things so evil that it will cause us to cry out in fear, but I want to be prepared...to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit, to move in the gifts that Jesus is pouring out on his bride. I felt this fear...while living on the coast. I did not know how to express it with words, but I knew that there was something stirring in the heavenlies and I believe God moved in my life to change my direction and my course in life. If we believe everything is controled by God then I believe that he directed my path.

I want to press in, now more than anything, to forsake all else and follow after him. What does that mean to forsake all else? Everything that takes us away from serving God. Everything in our life is about him! It is serving, giving, loving and seeking to lay down our lives for others. It is a challenging and difficult path, one that is not chosen by many, but I desire to be one of those that does that. To enter into a new race...with much training and experiences.

What will this look like? Not sure at the moment...seeking God in where he is going to take this desire that is in my heart. I am praying for many things and how it will come about, I leave that to the one in control.

Jehovah...I love you and seek to walk in the way you walked, in laying down my life for others, to serve, to be the lowest of the low, to trust my Heavenly Father and seek his face in all that I do. To spend time prayer and fasting. To give away everything and not count it as loss, but gain. Lord teach me, strengthen me, for you are good, you have only good for me, even in the dark moments. You are my light and my salvation in whom shall I fear. You hold me in your grip and so I have nothing to be afraid of. Even when temptations and evil surround me to kill me and eat me up, you will cause that to fall away in a mess. I will not fear and I will be confident. I will seek you and dwell with you and look upon your beauty...all the days of my life.
amen

Throne Room

Today is day 20. I cannot believe it has been 20 days. How strange it is not to eat, not to do things the same as before. To rely on God for everything, especially to sustain you and strengthen you. It says that he will strengthen us in our weakness and sustain us. So that is my hearts cry even more as I go forward.
Things have not been over the top crazy in terms of prayer times and so today, I really wanted to press in. To go deeper than I have been. So the book I am reading suggested to pray in the spirit for an hour. I was like...you have to be kidding. But I was interested in trying it and within 10 minutes was a sobbing mess. I continued to pray and cry and then would wait to receive from God. I sensed that I was in the throne room of God. Standing before him, as he sat on the throne. It was like I was pleading my case, telling him everything I had done and I felt so much remorse. I felt an overwelming feeling of being deeply repentant. God then wrapped his arms around me and placed his cheek on my head and just held me. Like a father would hold his crying son, My Father held me. He held me secure, and I sobbed all the more, knowing that no matter what I had done, He loved me. He cared for me and would not leave me. Time passed. Everytime I tried to speak, it was just sobs. So I just relaxed in the presence.
A peace came over me and I sat there, in silence, knowing that something amazing had just taken place. I cannot explain it better than this. It was personal, sweet and something that I will remember. I long to experience more of that. To take the time to know that my Father in heaven loves me and will enlarge my heart to take in more of his love.

So the fast, I have been surrounded by food, by people apologizing and saying they are sorry that I am not eating, or apologize that they are eating. Hunger left after about day 10. It is strange not to eat, and to be satisfied by time spent in the word and in prayer. I have a yearning to serve and do things for others. So I step out in that in little ways. God is doing a good work...and he will not stop until it is completed and I am a willing vessel.

I sense a newness, a refreshing and a joy that will spring forth. I welcome it God. I welcome your ways and patiently wait for your blessings.

Remembering

Last night I came home from Living Waters and spent some time praying and my mind was on a man that I know in the hospital and I had the sense to pray and lift him up to the Lord. I thanked the Lord for this man, but I also prayed that God would comfort him and bring him peace, that when the time was right to take him home. That Jesus would welcome him into the kingdom. I planned on seeing him tonight, but also had a feeling that I would not see him again. I cried. The emotions flooded to the surface and I knew that God was right there with this man. The next day I got the message, that he had passed on the night before.
So today I remember that friend. I knew him for a short time and today I thought it was way to short, but in looking back, God brought that friend into my life to teach me many wonderful things about life, relationships and strength of character. You see, he is now rejoicing in heaven, with his wonderful saviour, friend and Father. I look at his life with awe and amazement. He experienced much, and so he loved much. We would sit together sharing moments of laughter and sorrow and often through excruciating pain. We watched musicals and shared our stories. He would ask me many questions about faith and God and grace. He was eager to understand and often doubted...much like Thomas, and so Jesus allowed Thomas to feel his nail pierced hands. I believe that this gentle man, was given that same blessing from Jesus as he entered into the throne room of the most high King. I am thankful for the many wonderful things I learnt from him and will miss him. I think of the joys of gardening that he had and the long walks and yet how hard it was for him to enjoy even that. The picture here, is what he would have loved to look at and frolic in. He would have handled the flowers with care and tended it with much love.

It is hard too, I know that he is in heaven, he is free of pain and suffering, yet I miss his smile, his warm hugs as he thanked me for giving him care and looking after the little things. For taking the time to just listen to him, I will miss those times most of all. Strange how death works, especially for those who you know will find greater comfort not to be in their earthly bodies.

I am blessed to work at a place that provides such amazing care and support for those who live and breath in the home. I often say to people that Monday is my favourite day of the week. It is not a hardship to do a double shift of to rush from one job to the other, it is a blessing to me. To share Christ in practical ways. To cook, clean and love others.

So to the men and women, to the Director, the staff, volunteers who give and give over and above what is asked or called for, I pray God will bless you and strengthen you. He cherishes each and everyone of you. He sees your heart and is glad. I pray that our Father will comfort and give you all peace that knows no end.

...and thank you Jesus, for welcoming our brother into your kingdom...

amen
I love you!

disciples

Sometimes I feel like escaping to the moon...in time like these I like to be reminded of what life is really like and that I am not cracking up crazy!!!

I am quoting the following from the book "Starving Jesus" by craig gross and j.r. mahon
This list serves as a guide for all that I am and all that I need to be:

A disciple doubts
A disciple deceives
A disciple denies
A disciple forgets
A disciple fears
A disciple changes lives
A disciple is arrogant
A disciple denies himself
A disciple believes Jesus is savior
A disciple heals
A disciple leads
A disciple hides
A disciple is human
A disciple loves
A disciple protects
A disciple protects
A disciple is radical
A disciple gives his life for others
A disciple dies for faith
A disciple sins
A disciple is called to be a disciple
A disciple falls away from Christ
A disciple prays
A disciple leads people to Christ
A disciple gets in the grill of others
A disciple has little faith
A disciple has no attachment to religion
A disciple will write
A disciple will teach
A disciple will lie
A disciple will tell the truth
A disciple forgives
A disciple asks for forgiveness
A disciple rants
A disciple travels
A disciple fasts
A disciple questions
A disciple hopes
A disciple gets angry
A disciple does not worry
A disciple worries
A disciple likes money
A disciple doesn't worry about money
A disciple has friends
A disciple has a church
A disciple gives up

This list sums a lot up, and for me, I'd like to be taking and adding to this list daily. It keeps me humble. Does anyone have anything to add to the list?

Supply me

Supply me my every need, my ever want and my every desire. There is nothing greater than you and nothing that can satisfy, quite like you. God my God, my one and only. When life seems to fade by and there seems no hope in anything, you oh God supply my every need. You give to me that which seemed dead and gone.

Today was hard, my body fades quickly today as I went about my job, yet I was thankful that I was sitting at a desk. But concentrating on emailing responses was difficult. It was hard to give structure to my thoughts. Front line ministry, so crying out was good, to just pray for more of him and less of me. I am realizing many things about myself and I find it interesting that fasting will do this. It strips away everything until you are bare, rare and naked. Asking the Holy Spirit to reveal everything that seperates you from God. It is radical, crazy thinking. Some people don't get it, they think...Kenny, you are crazy stupid! But I look at things differently, we are a culture which lacks discipline and resolve. Sure some people have it, but we are normally just keeping ourselves busy, doing things, going places, being around people, things and what have you. We are gorging ourselves in what ever pleases us and gives us pleasure. I know, I know, I have probably said that all before. But it keeps coming up.

What I am finding out is how selfish I am. How incredibly selfish I am in getting my needs met, no matter what. In lack of discipline, especially in spiritual areas. There are areas in my life which I wish were different, and so I slowly start putting in place things that can help. One of those things is getting advice from others...always a good thing. We never will arrive here on earth and so we will never have all the answers and we can always gain understanding and wisdom from others.
I am reading Acts (apparently, if you read 10 chapters of the new testiment a day, you will read through the entire new testiment in a month) and it is incredible the things that the disciples were doing. It gets me thinking about today. What is so different? As I prayed this morning, a piece of a song popped into my head "and in the days Noah, people laughed and jeered, and when the rains came falling, it's too late". It is kinda like that now in society. You mention God or living a set apart, holy life and people laugh at you. Take for instance the fact that at one point I lived as a gay man. I stopped fighting and just lived life...with no regard for God, I threw in the towel. Now somepeople would say..."but Kenny, you where born that way, or Kenny, you are finally yourself", well, I think that for me, I just chose the easy way out, I stopped believing the truth, and started to believe all the things "people" started teaching me. Now realizing the truth, it is interesting how at times life can be difficult and challenging. Why? Because life was meant to be challenging and difficult. Why do we have the Psalms? Why is it that there are verses like Psalm 27:1-3

The lord is my light and salvation, in whom shall I fear, The Lord is my stronghold in whom shall I be afraid, when evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. though an army besiege me, my hear will not fear, though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.

It does not say...if, it says WHENand THOUGH. When evil men advance, When my enemies, though an army!!! So these struggles will come, it will be like an army advancing against us and yet, in that we need not be afraid, nor fearful and we can stand in confidence. Why? Because we can dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God is always there. So why wouldn't God just get rid of our enemies or the struggles in our life? In these struggles we rush to him. It is admitting our humanity and rushing to God. Isn't that self centered of God? Well, actually...not really. God knows that we will run to this and to that...rather than run to him. Even when we have learnt things once, we will still run away from God...if given a chance. So I think he allows things to happen, so we mature and grow. So that we can rely on him, rather than ourselves. It is like a loving father who cares for his children. Who teaches them the ways of life. God is teaching us the ways of life...and eventually eternal life.

So are you ready? Are you ready to face God? Are you willing to stop how you are living and seek after God, regardless of what that looks like to others? Are you willing to lay aside your own agenda and seek after holiness and purity? God doesn't want the lukewarm, he wants us hot and heavy. I challenge you to cry out to God and ask him to teach you what it means to live a life sold out to him.

Boston Pizza

Last year, on the way to the Exodus Freedom Conference, we stopped in Boston, well, drove through the downtown area and we where hungry. We had been looking for a place to eat and most places where closed already for the evening (it was 11 pm). I remember feeling frustrated during the drive, feeling my hunger and knowing my sugar level was plummeting and I was feeling rather grumpy...okay, I was just plain irritated. I was driving and everyone seemed just interested in sight seeing, and I couldn't see a thing, I was too busy trying to drive and pay attention. I could hear the irritation in some of the voices, as if I was supposed to know where I was! I remember feeling tired and alone. Strange to feel alone in a car full of people, and I wanted comfort and I wanted to eat. We finally stopped the van and car and when I got out, I felt relieved. Feeling the freedom of being out of the van, walking instead of driving and being able to relax and just unwind. We finally stumbled upon this small restaurant. We ordered deep dish pizza's (Boston style) and when they came, they were more than I could have dreamed of. Deep dish...incredible! Packed with cheese and vegetables and meat. Man it was good.

Looking back at that moment, I can see how little time I spent giving over my frustration to God. Did I allow him in to that moment or did I just go in my own strength (or weakness for that matter). God was there, but was an onlooker. I did not invite him to walk that experience with me. Sure, I was thankful to him for the Pizza and remember giving thanks to him. I think much like the Israelites, how they always questioned or forgot about God in the very times when they needed him, and then when God rescued them and blessed them, then they remembered.

As, I walk through this fast, today was a day of quietness, I spent it by going to church, then going home and getting a call from my brother who wanted to go out with me in the afternoon. It was good to spend time with him and chat about life and what is happening with him. I am leary of telling him that I am fasting, and really do not want to. As we shopped around for things that he needed, I looked at this and that and bought a few things, and sitting at home later, realizing that some of the things I bought, I really did not need. Looking back, I wonder how many times, I acknowledged God throughout the day. Sure, when the hunger pains hit or I thought about food, I would try and focus on asking God to fill me. I am wrestling with my desire for more of God and less of me. I have lived for so long endulging in getting my needs met...to comfort myself...to do things on my own. Yet in reality, as I sit having not eaten for a while, I realize the futility of my ways...of how I used to fill my time with just things or I would eat. There was little relating to others, or getting out of my comfort zone. I used to like weekends...because when there was nothing planned I could do what I pleased and just relax. Now, it is as if I wish the weekends did not exist. I see how little I do, and how little I serve and how little I relate to others. Maybe it is just the place I am in. I do know that I persevere on things, especially thinking of all the areas in my life "I need to change", and yet not sit and ask God to change me. When I do it on my own, it gets overwelming and heavy. When I sit and allow God in, and ask Him to change me, I feel at peace.

That happened at church today, as we finished communion and we prayed for one another. A friend asked...do I want prayer and I explained just what I said previous. That I needed to give that to God, because I was feeling rather overwelmed. She prayed, and big tears dropped, as I allowed God to minister to me, to say, it was okay for me to just let him do the work. To wait for him. The good work He started in me He will finish to completion. It may not be on this side of heaven, but He is faithful and true to His word.

Oh ya, I mentioned on one of my blogs that it was day 5 of lent and it is not actually, if you could shrove Tuesday that it is day 12 of lent and day 7 of the fast.
Thanks for the crew that is walking this journey with me. It is amazing to hear what God is doing in each of your lives.

Lord, watch over us, draw us near. Shelter us under the shelter of you wing. Reveal to us the magnitude of how much you love us and want for us to just allow you to move in our lives. Move in the hearts of those we pray for and Father God, capture the hearts of those who have been disillusioned by the enemy. You are amazing. Sustain us and hear our cries.
Amen

Lent...Day 5

I read recently in Hebrews that during Jesus' (God incarnate) life on earth, that he offered up prayer and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek.

There was a light bulb moment with these verses (Heb 5:7-10) as it revealed to me that Jesus suffered on earth. That he cried out with loud cries and tears to God to save him and that he was heard because of his reverent submission.

Why did Jesus of all people have to cry out to be saved and especially in this way? It shows that he felt pain, that there was angst in him in regards to struggles or suffering that he was enduring here on earth. There is a part of me that realizes that he knows my own struggle and that he brings peace and understanding as I cry out with loud cries and tears to God to save me. I know that He has heard me and I continue to submit with reverance.

Again, it often feels like a fire raging in my body, in my mind and those are the times when I need to cry out. Be that to a person, or to God or maybe to the cats! As I have written before, we are not on the earth just to get out of life, what we think we deserve or have our pleasures met whenever we feel like it. There is discipline and there is peace with that. There is control and there is grace with that. So I continue to press in. Part of the fast for me is to gain a better understanding of my relationship with God. It is reading the word and praying that the holy spirit makes it come alive in my life. It is serving the community around me in love.

I miss eating though. Today, my finely tuned smelling device smelt some wonderfully amazing food. My body aches and I long to comfort myself. Again, press in and see that the Lord is good, and he has nothing but good for me. He is my stonghold in whom shall I be afraid. He is my salvation in whom shall I fear. He provides for the littlest of creatures and so how much more will he supply my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

So I stand with the knowledge that life is not always easy, that my comfort needs to come from God. That even Christ suffered with loud cries and tears (glad to know I am not alone in that) and he understands me more than I realize.

Peace to you all!