When the Music Fades...

Lately, I have been feeling like I am not handling life well.  Grief has been one of those things that I just can't shake for the life of me.  I'd like to say that I am handling it, that God is meeting me in the midst of it and yet, what my reality is, is totally different than what I had hoped it would be.

My mind is clouded with malaise.  I simply am uninterested in things around me.  That's a problem!  Having a wife and a child who is nearly 3, life goes one and I need to be present and I need to be there for them.  Sacrificing my own desires and serving them is crucial in the midst of my processing grief.

It's not easy, and again, I'd love to say that I am handling it perfectly.  There are far too many times when I tune out in front of the TV, watching meaningless shows, losing myself in the food network or the house and garden shows.  Maybe, even maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, and yet, I see it for what it is and that's tuning out.  I know full well the steps to take, and yet feel paralyzed to take them.  When I do take the steps, it feels like I am just going through the motions. 

I handled this before.  This sense of loss, but somehow this feels like the music has faded...and things have been stripped away.   What is left feels overwhelming and it's affecting me in ways that are changing me.  I know that grief changes a person.  When you lose a child/children, the music stops!  It didn't just fade away, but it stopped.  Slowly in time, the music begins and your heart warms to the sound of the melodies.  But when loss comes again, over and over, it challenges your heart to continue to beat with dreams and hope. 

The music starts beating again and again, but slowly it starts to fade...and then you are faced with the reality of the dim melody, rather than the full orchestra, that once played before any loss every happened. 

I guess that maybe this is the change that has happened in my life.  Maybe this is the now realistic stanza in my life.  I wonder if this gets better?  Does it?  Will I ever hear the full orchestra?  Will my heart ever beat with the passion that it did before any such loss occurred?  Maybe it beats again with passion, only the orchestra plays a different piece.  One that is changed due to the loss, but one that is richer, has more complex depth to the pieces that played before. 

I am thankful, believe me, I am thankful.  Just as I stand in this place, sometimes not facing it well, I know full well that God is able to do exceedingly more than I can think.  It's just...in this place I can't feel it.  I know his truths, which are my foundation...the cornerstone, yet I'm just in a place where the music has faded...and things have been stripped away.  In this place I feel that everything is a sacrifice...and that I hope is gift enough for Jesus.  I love him beyond my feelings and beyond myself, even in this place.

Fathered?

Fathered?

I was reminded today, the importance of a fathers heart toward his children! The legacy of a good father is providing them with attention, affirmation, affection, endurance, humility, respect, mercy and most of all love. 

Being rooted and grounded in this...it allows us to do much good in the communities around us.  When we know how to Father rightly, we can also extend a fathers heart to the fatherless.  Today I listened as a well know advocate for social justice was honored by those to whom he was known to.  Colleagues, Officiates, Pastors and family members.  A common thread was that you either loved him or you hated him.  

It was difficult for many reasons to sit and listen to the Eulogies.  I won't go into great detail, it's hard to listen to humanitarian accolades when at the foundation everything is flawed.  

I truly believe that the BEST form of social justice, humanitarian activism comes from having a deep awareness of a Father's/Mother's heart.  (You can have this even if you have never physically raised a biological family) This begins by making peace with your past.  If you can't stand up and confront your past, you will never walk free in the future, which takes guts, courage, honesty, integrity, respect, confession and forgiveness (and many other attributes).  It means that you look back, you recognize the lack and you move in a different direction.  Not pretending it ever happened or make light of it...but rather, in honesty look it in the face and make peace with God, your self and others.

If this never happens, you continue the cycles those previous generations walked out before you.  Sure you could probably look like all is well, but at the end of the day...do you?  As you re-cycle the past instead of doing something different, you offer quite the challenge for those who are looking to you to leave a legacy or an inheritance (which is not about gold or silver).  We can do good works, we can make a difference, but when there is no foundation, these accomplishments through time will whither, die and be forgotten. 

For nearly 3 hours, I listened to all the GOOD this person has done and yet he missed the mark which saddened me greatly.  Life is but a vapor and he chose to fulfill worldly fame instead of looking at what really mattered...being a father. I listened to a different challenge today as I sat applauding the bravery of honesty by a son.  It was refreshing and truthful.   It took a son to speak truth that didn't cause merriment; rather it produced gasps and the shaking of heads.  Heads of those still stuck in the niceties of appearance, desperately hiding the past and present wounds, so not to appear ‘broken’ in any way, fearing the words of man, rather than fearing the words of God.

It caused me to take another look at my own experience.  It wasn't great in the early years.  I longed for affection, affirmation, attention and love, and if faced with the same experience these men were having 25 years ago, I might have replied with similar words, yet in the last 25 years, I have grown to understand my father, and truly love the man he is.  He isn't perfect, nor am I...no one is.  But one of the pivotal conversations I had with him was when he shared that with me his own reality.  That he knew he wasn't the best dad and he didn't sugar coat it, or make it appear differently.  He called it for what it was and he chose to do something different.  I have learned the value of hard work, to endure, to show affection, and the ability to affirm my daughter because of him.  He is generous to a fault and would give the shirt off his back for you.  He now openly shows affection.  It has allowed me to also walk free of walls of hiding and to be the man I am called to be.  My earthly father will still fail in comparison to my heavenly Father and I too will fail my daughter, yet it is God my Father, who fathers me in the lack.  He is my perfect Father.  This continual growing knowledge of the Father heart of God comes with my own submission and acceptance of Jesus as Savior.  If I know Jesus, I know the Father! 

Yet this funeral today rocked me to the core.  My father’s heart broke within me to see the longing and the empty eyes staring back at me as a son addressed the crowd.  Honest and transparent, yet alone and fragile, walls built up from years of broken promises and empty words, a vow "I will never be like him" and yet shockingly he became the very thing he hated.  I know that full well. 

The experience enlarged my heart for the fatherless, those to whom their fathers are still living, but are emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually distant.  I saw numerous men and women at the funeral with hearts breaking due to their own lack of being fathered.  It breaks my heart.  

It's time we rise up and speak a different type of social justice awareness, that it really does matter the legacy and foundation that we lay as a father or mother.  But this will take a concerted step toward honesty and courage to bring things into the light, to address and talk instead of hiding behind walls, or through activism. When we've wronged someone, we make it right.  When we haven't made amends or peace, can we even in all integrity stand for social justice and the rights of the down trodden when we have neglected the very ones to whom have been put in our care?  The masks need to come down, the veneers stripped away...the pretense thrown in the garbage...and true men and women calling out for their sons and daughters to come home.  It will take brave and courageous fathers and mothers to lead the way, who aren't afraid of words spoken behind the back, rather more afraid of the God who judges both the living and the dead.

May the Lord be merciful...and kind!  Slow to anger and rich in love.

Lost in Transgender?

This morning, I woke up with a deep sense that I desperately need God's wisdom.  I value education, workshops, books, but when it comes down to the crunch...especially in ministry, we need to rely heavily on wisdom that comes from our Eternal Creator Father God.


This post will come out of conversations that are now happening in regards to transgender issues.  Most people especially in the Church feel helplessly lost and alone with this issue,  I would dare say even within secular society and even in the LGBTQQ communities!  There has not been any long term case studies on transgender especially in the area of faith and so we can feel like we have no clue in regards to the roots of development or biological factors.


As I have been dialoguing about this, I then turn my gaze toward God.  I ask him the questions that I have.  "God, why are there no clear answers and if there are...can you show me?  Is this biological? Environmental?"

I sensed a bit of an answer the other day.  No neon light answer...but rather a deeper, quieter response back.  I sensed God say, "What if biology plays a role in this?  Did that mean I made a mistake?  Do you realize the state that everyone lives in?  Do you realize that you live in a fallen/broken world?  Could this extend to transgender issues?"  We concur that with homosexuality, biology does play a role, we would be ignorant if we didn't believe that we could be born with a sensitivity toward struggling with gender given our creative/sensitive/relational bent...and factoring in the environment, interactions with our family unit, peers, how our perceptions speak to us and other varying things...which can cause us to struggle with homosexuality.

Can this be said in regards to transgender issues?  I can look at my own life and see...yep, I was born with a more sensitive relational side to me which caused me to gravitate toward females (who relate and communicate more freely) and staying in this environment and considering interpretation and perceptions of my  parents, family, peers, began feeling like I was a mistake, born in the wrong body.  How come I couldn't be a girl like those I played with.  I clearly remember trying on my mothers wedding dress, wondering what it would be like to be a woman.  It excited me, caused me to begin to play with the notion that maybe I could one day.
Couple with the disassociation toward my male peers and my attraction to guys this propelled me to consume my thoughts with having  a sex change.  For years I thought that my issue was strictly homosexuality, but the more I remember of my past, and my behaviors, thoughts and actions, I realize that it is only by the grace of God that I did not have a gender reassignment surgery.  I know that even now, with much healing I still have the occasional thought of  "what would it be like?"  I realized in my healing that no matter what I decided, and if I went that route, it wouldn't give me long term happiness.  I may lead to happiness in the short term and it would fix the confusion on the outside but on the inside I'd still remain the same Kenny that I was born as.  My DNA says male...but what if tests showed that I had a hormone imbalance or missing this or that?  I'd still have been born male.  Many people can decide to switch this, live like that, but in reality we cannot change the blue print that God made when he designed and formatted us in our mother's womb.  Our body, our shape, our DNA points to a God who didn't screw up or make a mistake when he designed us.  He formed us, and said, this is good.  Living in a fallen, sinful world, we also know that we where born into sin.  There can be things that go wrong biologically, but does that mean we throw away our gender and decide to be something that will make it easier for us?  For me, if I think honestly about my life...I could say it would be easier to throw in the towel and be gay or transgendered...then I wouldn't have to deal with all the other deeper more meaningful stuff in my life.  It is tough sometimes, yet, life and learning to know the complexities of life and growth and maturity means that life is going to be hard sometimes...but we face this all with Christ walking alongside of us.  The Holy Spirit teaching and guiding us through our submission to the Lord.  Listening to the words of God affirming us in the created design he had for us when we were born male or female.

There is a lot written in the secular world which is creeping into the church in regards to transgender issues and development.  Much of it is affirming the reassignment surgery, that this is the answer to the confusion.  This issue is gaining momentum, gaining strength culturally.  I continue to think about this issue as it is very close to my heart.

I don't think we can discount that there are many factors that play a part in development of gender identity disorders.  As I see it, the factors are spiritual, biological, emotional and relational.  I believe that with all of us, the greatest gift God gave was giving us free will.  So that we aren't puppets, but rather we are free to decide and live how we want to live.  It's deciding how we live with that free will!  As we walk in relationship with Christ, as God's children, we mature, grow develop  and submit to His leadership in our lives.  Sometimes we don't like it right?  We fight with Him, we do things our way, we'd like to be our own boss sometimes, and yet we laid down that right when we submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.  Like it or not, it has a cost.  I know that Gender matters.  It is very important to God and how we live it out is crucial to the world around us.  How we compliment each other as gender beings (male and females) is a great treasure, as it shows the world God's image in it's fullness.  Can we see, that if our gender was distorted or confused, it breaks down how we compliment each other.  It breaks down the image of God.


With all of this said, no one can "change" another persons mind on how they decide to live their life.  I'd love to be able to scream it out...that it really does matter, that our naturally born genders is very important, yet until God enlightens an individual and validates their birth gender nothing will change.  I know this to be true in my life.  Until I had an encounter with the Living God, I was blinded to the truth.  I didn't fully know the roots, the developmental or biological factors that played a part in my gender and sexuality, until I was enlightened by God.  It has cost me a lot, but I count it all loss for the gain of Christ and an eternal perspective of the decisions I make here and now have an effect later on.


So to each of you who may encounter someone who is deciding to follow a path that you totally don't understand, but you see heartache, brokenness because you've encountered God in a way that has changed your perspective, ask Him for Wisdom and Understanding that makes the wisdom of man look foolish.  Seek Him first.  Acknowledge Him and He will direct your steps.  Love those who have these deep struggles with gender and sexuality.  They need encounters with Jesus Christ!  Love like you've never loved before.  You don't need an answer to love others, you don't need cliches, you just need to be dependent of your Father who will give you all you need through the outpouring of the Holy Spirit which dwells within you.

Voices

I wanna write but feel like it will just come across as "BLAHS!"  So I'm refraining for a bit.  I'm a bit tired.  Tired of writing, speaking, sharing about same gender attraction.  Maybe a bit discouraged.  Not so much in the world around us...but in the body of Christ.  I am GRATEFUL for the many people who support us, love us, care for us...and get the importance of transparency and those voices are so needed.

...but right now...this is enough said...

He takes what is used!

 

He takes what is used

masked and well hidden

binds every chord

and nail deeply drive.

stanza taken from "It was no mistake" by Paula Warkentin

 

 

What happens when we don't see the fruit of our faithful prayers?  When the loved ones we so desparately pray for, seem so distant and far off?  When our minds go to "whats the use anyway?'

 

Our hearts become cold and indifferent and its now easy to turn our blame toward God and insist that He just hasn't done it to our satisfaction nor our liking.  Why is it so difficult?  Why isn't God answering?  WHY GOD WHY?

 

To be honest, I don't have the answer.  I'd like to think that no one has the answer, or at least not a pat answer to make someone who is in the place feel better.  I ponder this though, because I see prayers not answered all the time, or at least not the way we want them answered. 

 

God in his sovereignty is in control of everything.  He is the most powerful Creator that has ever existed and who will ever exist...for all eternity.  If we believe this, we can also believe that because of his sovereignty that everything passes through his hands.  Be it the good, bad and ugly.  Does it mean he is indifferent or uncaring?  Does it mean that he turns his eyes when bad things happen or when people make choices that are not the best ones to make? 

 

We all are a product of the fall.  We are born into sin.  So right from the beginning that is our inherent struggle.  Not so that we can make light of sin or blame something or someone else, but rather it's important to understand that to some degree, this is our human heritage.  Our flesh wages war with the spirit.  We do the things we don't want to do and we don't do the things we want to do.  Simple yet so complex in many ways.

 

Couple this with the cultural influences and the spirits and authorities that also wage war on our souls, we are fighting a bigger fight than maybe we even realize.  We fight this war in our own lives and for those we pray and fast for.  When our prayers seemingly do not go answered, the enemy can have a party with our mind and heart.  Bringing doubts that nothing is happening, that we are ineffective, that there must be something wrong with us, that God is silent and disinterested in our prayers or our loved one.  Our hearts can grow bitter, cold, angry toward God.

 

In reality...GOD IS NOT SILENT.  Everything passes through God's hands and so everything is purposeful...even the bad, horrible things that happen.  If he knows the number of stars, the amount of hair on our heads.  If he imagined us even before our parents ever did, do you not think he cares?  He is a just God who allows us to walk in the freedom of choice and free will, not wanting us to be robots or puppets in his hand, he gives us that freedom with hopes that when we reach maturity that we are sold out for his purposes in our lives and we serve him whole heartedly for the rest of our lives. 

 

Sound idealistic?  Euphoric even?  Maybe too good to be true?  For many of us, we struggle with emotioanal and relational deficits in our lives that  cause us to grow up with deep needs still unmet.  If we are not given the opportunity for God to come in and heal and fill those areas we will fill them ourselves.  With many things that are good for us, and many things that aren't.  If God isn't the center of that deficit, we miss the mark.    It's not so much that God is silent, rather we have taken our neediness into our own hands, numbing our emotions so that we have a very hard time hearing God and that still small voice speaking to us.

 

I can look at the many ways I silenced that voice in my life, the voice of my heavenly Father calling me, speaking to me, telling me truth about who I was as his son and my value and worth to him.  Rather than listen, I listened to myself, I listened to the enemy of my soul, the one who comes to kill and destroy, the one who prowls around like a hungry lion, waiting for someone to devour.  I got eaten, chewed up, and spit out...but I wasn't dead?  I felt dead, I acted dead, but I wasn't.  God was still speaking...and many people continued to pray...long and hard for me, not giving up, even though they may have felt like it.  I eventually heard his voice and he is now cleaning me up from years of yuck, grim and lies that were fed to me and ones I believed.

 

I continue to pray for friends, family and even those to whom I have never met who are caught up in identities and actions that are far from the best for them.  Who have been lied to, cheated, and robbed, not by God, but rather by an enemy who hates them.  I pray without ceasing and long for the day when one, two, three...and many more come to know who they truly are, loved sons and daughters of the most high King, the creator of everything.  That they know that nothing has been wasted and that God will and does use everything the enemy meant for harm...for HIS GOOD and for HIS GLORY.

 

Let's remember to keep praying, to keep fasting and keep believing God's promises are true, that He does answer prayer and that through Jesus, He does redeem lives.

 

James 5:16 (NLT)

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

 

 



Deficits?

Deficits?

If we stopped and took inventory what would we find?  In the physical, the material world, I can look and see that we own a home (well the bank owns most of it), a bit of money in the bank, clothes, furniture, art, toys, books, electronics, gardening supplies, decorating supplies, food, photos and odds and ends that encapsulate our life as individuals and as a couple and family.

We can look closer and see the deficits.  The lack of retirement savings due in part to poor investment planning and lifestyle choices prior to our marriage and choosing to be in full time ministry (raising our own support) and my wife staying home to look after our daughter doesn't help in the worldly standard of savings.  We can view this as a deficit.  We can look at our financial debts and our desire to get rid of them as huge obstacles.  We can also compare ourselves to the infamous Jones, and if focused on keeping up with them, we would fail miserably.

Thankfully, we've come to a place of reconciling ourselves to know that our Father will supply us our every need.  Do not be anxious of anything, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your steps.

This has been important for me this summer as everything started to break down in our home.  It seemed every time we got ahead financially, we'd be hit with an emergency repair or a bill or something that would set us back.  My secret thought that usually doesn't come out of my head was this "what have I done or not done that displeases God...because this must be his punishment to me?"  Interesting that this was my first and linger thought. 

Then I felt as if God prompted me to go to Philippians 4:6 and I was reminded again "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."

I began to see what was even more important.  All that he has done for me, for my wife and for so many other people that we know.

The most important thing that God did was that he made a way for me.  He made a way so that my debt would be erased.  Wiped clean.  He took all my gender insecurities, sexual sin, deviancy, lies, unfaithfulness, lack of trust and countless other things and he sent his son Jesus to bear everything, to carry the weight of it all and it cost Jesus EVERYTHING.  All my debt gone?  Maybe not in the physical, but in the spiritual realm, it is totally gone.  I am free of shame and guilt and able to walk in the grace, love and mercy of a loving and just Father.  Who could compare to him?  Nobody.  I am thankful even when we are in lack. 

At the moment we are car-less.  In this place I am called to be thankful.  That doesn't mean I have an easy time with not having a car, especially with all that God asks of us, but He makes a way and he knows our need.  He knew it even before we had the need.  I know the plans he has for us, to give us a hope and a future.  I know that He will supply our every need...even a vehicle to drive.  I keep seeing that God wants me to take my hands off trying to find one, trying to get one...and wait and see what only He can do.  For it isn't about me or us, it is rather about him and His glory being made manifest in and through our lives.  Every part of our lives. 

To the world, this attitude is foolish, but to the Lord it is wise and rich.  We truly are God's blessed children!

New Shoes

New Shoes - previously published in Christian Courier

The Lord spoke a profound word to me this past month, through a very innocent act done by my 2 ½ year old.  As I was getting ready to go out for a meeting my daughter brought me a pair of shoes.  She proudly carried them to my feet and promptly put them down right in front of me and said, “Daddy’s shoes?”

I looked down and didn’t see my shoes but the shoes of my wife.  Red wedges, definitely not mine.  Phoebe waited there patiently for me to put them on.  I told her that these shoes would not fit Daddy and that they weren’t mine but that they were Mommy’s.  She didn’t move.  I showed her as I slipped my bare feet into them that my feet were too big.  My toes fit, but my heels hung a good 3 inches off the back.  She stood smiling as I showed her that these were not a good fit.  Sure, I could walk in them and get around in them but they were not mine. 

I took them off, put them in the closet and grabbed my shoes and put them on, showing her that they fit my feet perfectly and that these were in fact Daddy’s shoes.  Little did Phoebe or I know the significance of her innocent action or what God would again remind me of later that week?  I left it at that and went to my meeting not thinking twice about those shoes or Phoebe’s insistence that those red wedges were Daddy’s. 

That week in Church I was playing the piano for the worship team and as we were singing I got a picture of those red wedges and my feet in them.  I was taken back a bit and kept playing but then felt the Lord say to me that He has given me new shoes, ones that fit my feet perfectly and that in these shoes I could stand upright, strong, a man capable of being a husband, father, brother and son.  I was reminded of the time when I used to wear shoes like that.  When my masculinity was so broken and my identity marred due to circumstances in my childhood.  I had always secretly hoped that I could eventually become a woman.  I was reminded of the times I used to wear my mom’s shoes, pretending to be just like her.  I wished that I could wear shoes like that without shame or fear of being ridiculed and called names.  I had always felt odd in my skin, in my gender and even though at the time I was comfortable being gay, my secret longing was that I could eventually have gender reassignment surgery and that would be the final answer for this empty feeling inside. 

God met me in a profound way which stopped that process from ever happening.  My masculinity and sense of gender healed through submitting my life over to God and for him to set things in order so that I could stand secure in whom I was clearly designed to be.  I am grateful to God as I look at my life and all that He has done and blessed me with.  To know that without him my life could have looked very different than what it is today.

Those shoes reminded me of my past, but the greater reminder was God saying that he has given me new shoes, a new identity, one that he had intended from the beginning when he knit me together in my mother’s womb.  These new shoes fit and the other ones never did.  No matter what I could do those red wedges would always be shoes that would never quite match the DNA of my feet.  I felt like God was speaking this as a reminder to me but also to all of us.  I walked many years in the wrong shoes, even though God had something better for me, but he has the same gift for all of us.  He calls each one of us to take off the shoes that don’t fit and allow Him to fit us with those perfect fitting shoes.  New shoes, ready for us to walk in the fullness of who we were created to be all along.  Are you ready to take off your shoes?  Because God, your Father who knew you before anyone else did is ready to fit you with ones that fit you perfectly.

Our Testimony...Poetic style

http://www.crosspowerministries.com/audio/15%20_007b_Kenny&PaulaWarkentin.mp3

Here is a clip of Paula and I sharing our testimony at the CrossPower Ministries Marriage Conference in 2010.

We have shared this in many locations...and are willing to come share it with your church community.

changing course

Today was a FULL day...long and packed with so much good stuff.  I will have to dig into the audio teachings after this.  WHEW! 
Did you know you can listen to our testimony on the 2010 conference track at www.crosspowerministries.org

There really is some pretty rich teachings. 

Today Patrick the head Pastor talked about how we got this way...so very different than what we probably think.  There are factors that intertwine in us that influence us in our growth as humans, and then there's the 'fall' into sin.  Yet we see generations before us walking it out...in great ways and not so great ways.  Do we see a legacy in our own lives?  What if we never see the legacy...or how we walk out our lives and the impact it has on others?  I prayed that today that I wouldn't be consumed with "who gets it and when" but rather, be faithful to what God has given me right now to be a good witness, and preach the gospel...and leave the rest up to him.

Eric...another pastor taught tonight on God's love for us...and the importance of brokenness.  Sometimes we get saved because we have an authentic experience, or we realize we don't want to go to hell, or that it's the right thing to do.  We can think...okay...did that...now I'm okay...and we begin to work for God rather than be loved and in love with God and know that it isn't what we do and how we serve or tithe or do missions, but rather, it's uncovering just how much God loves us...and has given us the holy spirit to live IN US.  I have heard this message before, but tonight it was a refresher...it spoke new things into my life...thank you Eric for obediently hearing from the Lord...you are a faithful friend.

Now...I am exhausted...and it's time for bed.  Another full day tomorrow...and then Church Sunday morning. 

It's also great...GREAT, to be here with 4 other couples from Manitoba.  Each of you are a gift and blessing...and God is doing great things in your hearts.

Hold Fast

Once again, I think about the cross where you died...I'm humbled by your mercy and I'm broken inside...once again I thank you, once again, I pour out my life...thank you for the cross, thank you for the cross.

It's only through the cross of Jesus that we have been reconciled to God.  Through this act of incomparable love and mercy through Jesus' death and resurrection, we can stand before our God and worship Him, praising all that he has done for us.

We're in Midland Texas at the CrossPower Marriage Conference and each year, I am caught off guard and surprised by how it impacts me.  The same each time.  I get off the plane and am instantaneously overwhelmed with emotion.  Quick...grab the sunglasses...!!  Maybe it's the air!

We know the reason.  We see men and women who have caught a glimpse of broken people seeking and fighting for their marriages, who are going counter cultural in their desire to walk in holiness.  It truly is magnificent...though not easy.  Marriage, isn't for the faint at heart and couple that with same sex attraction and many churches responses to that struggle, people can walk in great shame and hiddenness.  So this weekend is often quite overwhelming to have countless men and women serve each of us that come. 

In our walk we have experienced great friendship with others who walk similar paths with us, but we walk with those who don't and that is a great gift.  A gift that shows that we all have 'stuff' to deal with, and we all have the same marital 'issues' to some degree or other.  It's really not about the same gender stuff.  It is about relationship with God first and foremost and my relationship with my wife.  I am challenged like most men to initiate to know her heart, to seek it out and cherish it.  To stay emotionally connected and to serve her, like Christ. 

This weekend is a time of refreshment for our marriage, a time of strengthening and being poured into by others.  It is by far one of the greatest gifts that we cherish, especially in today's cultural changes in and out of the body of Christ.  We would often be classified as 'fools' as Mike said last night...but in reality, we're all fools.  We all look a bit foolish to the world...and some of us, even in the Church we look foolish.

This year our previous pastors Gerry and Sharon are here (from Soul).  They are here as mentors, as ones to be POURED into and we could not be more excited for them.  God has rich things in store for them.  I just have this feeling!

So excited of what God has in store for us this weekend.  Last night was great...and today...?  I'll try to post later. 

Home sweet home!

There's no place like home were the words spoken to me from the taxi driver as he drove me home early in the morning today.  It was good to be home, to see Paula, to be in her presence and to hug and play with Phoebe.  I hadn't seen them in a week and I was missing them.  Mid-week, what struck me was the sight of kids Phoebe's age running through the streets, in the midst of vehicles, dogs and it broke my heart.

This trip broke my heart in many ways.  When my brother and I were debriefing, I shared that it was definitely a trip that I will never forget and hope to do again.

For those who don't know, I went to cook for a group 45 people...who were going down to build two homes in Puerto Penasco Mexico.  It was a group of Grade 11 students (and leaders) from Calvin Christian School.  We went with an organization called Amor Ministries.  The students and leaders built two homes while we were down there.

My brother and I cooked for the group.  So we mainly stayed at the camp site...which was basically an open desert.  We had outhouses for banios and shower bags to shower in (if you had a chance to do that which we didn't), and no running waters, so it was hauling water, boiling it, sterilizing it.  Lots of work to do to feed the crew.  Getting up at 5 am and warming up...getting breakfast on by 715 so the kids could get out to build.  Then cleaning up and getting lunches going (refried bean wraps) and then delivering them to the sites.  That was our time to see the progress and see the area.  By the second day, I just wept.  I think the first day, I was just in shock.  With an unemployment rate of 65% or higher, it means a lot of despair and apathy.  Adults work where ever they can find work...and they work long hours.  Kids running around because most of them can't afford to go to school (you pay for schooling).  It was heart breaking.

But we saw hope in the midst of this.  One day a leader and I stood watching as my brother clowned and made balloon animals for the kids.  We wept as the kids laughed.  We gave extra food to those adults standing around, and we wept as they thanked us over and over again!  They didn't expect this.  I haven't cried that much in a long time.
When the houses were built...and let me just say...I wondered what they would be like...and they were mansions in comparison to homes in the area (the new homes with two rooms, the size of our living room, which would house at least 4 people).  During the house dedication when we dedicated the homes to the Glory of God we sang the doxology...and I actually couldn't sing, as the single mother of 3 hid her face in her hands...tears rolled down most of our faces...and I just couldn't sing!  The emotions flooded over me.  Here in this small two room dwelling, with no furniture, no "western luxuries" was a home.  Not just a house but a home were a mother could have some hope for a future.  She knew Jesus and thanked each one of us with a tight hug.  We then gave her two large boxes of food, that was purchases through the donations of the group.  These were very large boxes of groceries.  (my brother and I got to purchase the food...and I was responsible for this home)  I prayed as I picked up the food, asking the Holy Spirit to feed this family with deep wisdom and understanding.  That the holy spirit would raise up this family in their community.  It was an experience that I will NEVER forget.

I don't know if you can ever be the same again.  My heart is heavy...especially as it pertains to things of relativity.  My brother and I talked about that to some degree as we debriefed on our way to Phoenix.  Our poverty is so different in many respects.  What my thought was...is how do we help those around us in need?  Be that emotional, spiritual and or physical? I really sensed Papa speaking to my heart about my own life...and those I work with...those who often carry a deep hurt or poverty in their hearts about their worth and the fact they are loved.  At one point I was sharing my story with one of the leaders and we had just seen a row of run down shacks and right ahead of us was rows of high end resorts and condos.  I shared that for many people they feel like the derelict rows of houses...run down, on the peripheral of those who are "perfect" in the church.  Those who's lives appear to be all together, like those high end condos and resorts, yet are they?  Where do those who live in the shacks fit in?  Do they fit in my church, your church?

I'm not even sure what more to write about?  I can look at our need...and say there is some desperation in our need...yet in retrospect...there are others in far worse situations that us.  Yet, I know our need!  Does that make sense?  I know our need for a new roof...when their are leaks in the ceiling.  I know our need for some foundation work when there are leaks in the basement.  But what does one do?  My decision after this trip is no less solidified.  But one thing is for sure, is that I pray.  I pray and seek God to supply all our needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.  I pray and serve those who are less fortunate than myself, especially those who feel like they are on the margins of the Church.  Those who really don't feel they belong.  I want them to know Jesus loves them with abandon.  I want them to experience Jesus in the way Jesus wants to meet them.  I need to examine my life...and see how to cut corners, how to do without some of the things that I think I need or want when in reality, they aren't that important anyways.  It will be a challenge but after seeing what I saw in Mexico, how can I not?  Lord have your way in my heart!

Above all, my hope someday is that we realize that every decision that we make has impact.  Every decision no matter how big or small makes a difference in someones life.  I want to begin to see that in my own life in new and greater ways. 

I was informed today that an old friend of mine passed away.  My heart is heavy.  She was a vibrant and cheerful friend.  I had not spoken with her for several years, mostly due in part to choices that I had made in my life.  It was a friendship that I had hoped to re-kindle and prayed that it would.  I remember when I was going through some really tough relational decisions that she would hug me and tell me it was going to be okay.  When she would validate my tears of disappointment, not expecting me to feel anything different.

Today, she isn't here anymore.  Her life on earth is gone and with that is now the memories of who she was to many people.  I heard she was a faithful reader of my blog.  She didn't always agree with things I wrote, but she read my posts.  I wish that we could have been in contact so we could have talked one on one regarding what I write about.  That in the midst of our differences, she had value and was loved!  I will miss her terribly and am saddened that we did not get a chance to talk in recent years. 

May the Lord comfort those who are missing her today, may the Lord catch each and every tear, and may those who grieve be comforted!

Sweet friend, these petals are for you, for you were cherished and loved. 

LET GO!

I was listening to a presentation done by someone who was sharing about the loss of their child due to a murder.  She talked about letting go and specifically 15 things that she learnt.  What struck me was as she shared was the similarities to my own journey with same sex attraction. 

I want to re-write them in a way that makes sense to my journey in hopes that it strikes a chord in someone else.  How often in our life journey do we really acknowledge the hard stuff.  The continued struggle with sanctification and letting go of the past.

When I walked away, I had to leave behind a lot.  For most people this kind of leaving behind doesn’t happen.  They don’t have to take drastic steps and so in my own process, I went through a lot of grieving.  Coming to really authentically walk through all the stages of grief was important to me. 

I needed to let go…

1.                  Of finding a happy ending to my story.   I had found Christ, but I had to let go of what my life would look like.  I had to let go of the happily ever after expectations, that if I let go of being gay that I would one day have no more struggle with same sex attraction, that I would find a wife and have a big family.  That life would somehow look perfect if I could just get rid of this same sex stuff.

2.                  Of fear.  Fear that would keep me bound.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear that in my healing journey that I would fall sexually with someone.  That someone would take advantage of me and cross my healthy boundaries.  That I would never have healthy male friends.  Fear that if I talked about my journey within the body of Christ that I would be rejected…considered an untouchable.

3.                  Of my grief and learn to laugh again.  I had to learn to enjoy life.  I was saying no to a lot of things.  I was grieving the loss of friends, family and security and memories with a partner.  I grieved the loss of pets that I had.  It as pretty hard for me at times.  Sometimes I actually felt crippled with grief.  In the process I had to begin to say yes to good things.  Yes, to life giving decisions which would bring joy and laughter back into my life.  I find this an on going process.

4.                  Ego.  The need to defend myself.  I had to let go of the protective wall around my heart.  The defensive mechanisms that would keep me away from others.  I had to allow people in and allow the walls to come down so people could see the real Kenny.

5.                  Narrow Faith.  I had somehow thought that life was a certain way in regards to faith.  That somehow if you struggled you were actually sinning.  I entered into this wide path of amazing love and grace.  Captured by the beauty of Christ, welcoming me into his arms of love.  It opened my eyes to a much larger and loving Jesus.  Even though for a lot of aspects my journey is on a very narrow path, my faith has opened like green pastures and I can run like a wild horse within the bounds of Jesus’ love.

6.                  Old me and make peace with my new identity.  Wow this one struck me.  Yes, I had to let go of the old Kenn.  The gay Kenn…and embrace the new Kenny.  Even adding a y on the end of my name was symbolic to a more intimate Kenn.  One of childlike faith.  I needed to let the old Kenn die and make peace with the creative, gifted, compassionate Kenny, walking in integrity, respect for myself and others.

7.                  Expectations, that life is fair.  This too was very challenging.  For instance, letting go of a home that I owned, security in the future.  Entitlement!  I had to lay that down and let go of the expectation that if I came back to God…everything would be easy and life would some how be fair all the time.  I know that ultimately God is in control and life isn’t fair all the time, but God is still God and his love never changes.  He is showing me that He is my provision and He cares for me.  He doesn’t promise life will be perfect and that I wouldn’t see hardship…on the contrary.  He promises that He will never leave me nor forsake me and that He will be there throughout the storms and trials.

8.                  My guilt.  That I could have done things differently.  That I could have made better choices and decisions in life.  That if I had done things differently than life would be easier now.  My guilt needs to go.

9.                  My need to know…all the answers to all my questions.  Why do I still struggle?  Why did we lose babies?  Why can’t it somehow be easier?  My need to know all the answers…I needed to learn to live in a life with tension and be okay in this place.

10.              Rage.  I needed to let go of my anger.  My obsession to seek out revenge on numerous people.  The bullies in school…the endless taunting, those who took advantage of me…sexually, those who refused to respect me, those who ultimately stole my entitled share.  I could let rage be my friend and yet, I needed to forgive and let rest.  I had to acknowledge first that the rage had legitimacy but I couldn’t let it rule me or rest in my heart.  That would have killed me.  Instead, it is a constant surrender at the cross. 

11.              Obsession with offender.  This one I had to tweak and say obsession with my past life.  Obsession with my ex partner, what is his life looking like.  (most of this due in part with the issue with our house split)  I had to lay it down.  It doesn’t mean it never comes up.  Sure it does.  I’m human and with that comes fleshy thoughts and sinful attitudes.  I need to give it over again to Jesus who is my advocate and the perfect friend.

12.              Need for perfect justice.  This correlates with  number 11.

13.              Dream of closure, live in the now.  Oh yes, my closure isn’t until heaven.  But I need to live in the now.  Live in the every day moments of what is going on now.  Live in the joys of today.  God has granted so much more than I had ever hoped or imagined.  Seriously, nearly 35 years of struggle…8 of those years I lived openly as gay…so I didn’t consider that a struggle, yet there was tension in the mix.  I now realize that there is no closure in the flesh, yet there is some closure in the spiritual.  Jesus has somehow done something in my heart that is so different than what I had for the past 35 years.  He is increasingly putting in joy and anticipation.  He is increasing and I am decreasing.  It is living in the reality that I will probably always struggle to some degree with same sex attraction, but authentically, I am way beyond that defining me and keeping me in a box.

14.              Hope of peace and reconciliation.  I regard this as my hope of peace and reconciliation with certain people who are not in the space for relationship.  Who have decided to end relationships because of my faith and their decisions to be gay identified.  I love and accept them, but they have choices that they can make to be at peace and be reconciled with me and so for right now, I have to rely and trust in God for them.  There are those whom I cannot reconcile with, those whom I would love to have relationship with, but for me at this point in my life, it wouldn't be healthy for me, nor my family. 

15.              Right to feel sorry for myself.  I had to let go of the entitlement that I had this right.  That I was so hard done by.  That if my life would only have had a better beginning that it would be far better right now.  I had to give up feeling sorry for myself and actually live.  I had to do love…and fill myself with positive emotions and allow that to come in play with those in my life.  I am a far happier person since doing this.  It is actually letting it all go…and living with eyes wide open and a heart ready to love…because I have had love extended toward me by my heavenly Father.  His love is immeasurable.

 These are just a few things that I have had to let go of.  It is constantly being updated, reloaded, re thought.  That is the process we all go through.  What things are we holding onto...that Jesus may be saying..."hey let go...and let's see what will happen...remember I have your back!"

I'm Sorry

As I re-read the last post, I realize that I may have come across as angry.  I spent some time this morning reflecting on the post and what transpired to even write it.

I have been reading a lot of scripture regarding "being Christlike" and yesterday maybe I felt a bit like Jesus in the Temple...overturning tables.  I also felt a bit like a prophet, unaccepted in his own country!

So I apologize for one comment that I made in my previous post.  The comment about waiting till an emergency.  

Each person is on a journey of understanding and with that comes their own ways of procuring wisdom and understanding and sometimes that comes out of the blue.  Sometimes we are taken by surprise, something that we had not expected.  We may even think we have had some teaching and have learned something and then "wham" it hits us with a shot to our stomachs, knocking the wind out of us.  In that moment we seek out others to support and help care for us.  That is a great part of being in the Body.  That we have others we can go to and find love and care...and support.  What is important isn't "the right answer" or even "how to respond" but in actuality, it is learning to love and learning to be loved, even in the wrong answers and when we don't respond well.  

I love the Body of Christ and I am part of it.  I think of it in terms of a bride, preparing for her BIG wedding.  She plans, prepares, sends out invites, looks for flowers, but also prepares herself.  She pampers herself, maybe getting a manicure, pedicure, gets her makeup and hair done.  She is planning the perfect dress, the perfect atmosphere and setting to marry her true love.  She waits.  She waits with baited breath and adorns herself.  She holds on to her purity like a treasured gift to be given away.  I have to think of myself as this bride...a bride who is looking to purify and get rid of all that hinders me in the "upcoming wedding" that is to take place.  It is living in this tension of the world and my own humanness and broken places.  I realize just how much I need Jesus.  How desperate and sinful I really am.

I also realize that because of my own experience within the body of Christ "the church", I can also become hard in my response to it.  I can begin to judge it, to dissect it, to try to hurry it along, trying to WAKE them UP...when in reality, that is the Holy Spirit's work...not mine.  I'm called to encourage, love and applaud them in their own calling...and sometimes to even admonish (to reprove gently but earnestly.  To counsel (another) against something to be avoided; caution...from www.thefreedictionary.com)
This is all part and parcel of discipleship.  To be on guard, to walk with one another, to love and extend mercy and grace in radical ways...all the while holding fast to strong theological truth!


Just as much as what I hope and dream for the body of Christ (the church), I dream and hope for me!  I am the Church and I am part of this amazing body.  With flaws, with scars and with a tenacity to want us to be ALL that WE CAN BE!  To be the healing community that looks past our own "need" and sees another.  I am part of the solution...you are part of the solution and the best part of the whole equation is that we have an amazing gift of the holy spirit to help us and guide us.  We have an amazing Father who loves us despite of ourselves, and a savior who is our advocate, who has made us all equal at the cross.


So, encourage a friend, love your enemy and tell someone you love them today, be it by word or deed.

Vital Support

This post is titled...Vital Support...for good reason.

 Did you know that all our support comes from within the body of Christ? We do not receive any Government Funding. Now you may think...well, that's great! But I want to let you in on a secret... "Did you know that the Government helps fund Diversity Training? Educational Resources/support for those seeking Gender Reassignment surgery?

In our city, we have a resource center that supports youth, adults, families, educational institutions, work environment to:
Broaden diversity
provide support groups for LGBTTQ youth
provide performance cabaret workshops
radical cheerleading workshops
drag workshops

They support all those questioning their sexual orientation and gender identity, providing information, education and support to foster supportive relationships. I went to one of the sponsoring links and that organization itself has 56 community sponsors across Canada...from public education divisions to folk festivals, art galleries etc.

What struck me as I was reading their mission, core values and all the free programs they provide, was the difficult fact of fundraising for our ministry within the Body of Christ. The difficulty to provide and support those who struggle with same sex attraction who because of their faith choose to not identify themselves as LGBTTQ.

My question...Where is the body of Christ? Are you being a Vital Support?
Are you donating to ministries on the front line, who are addressing Gender and Sexuality?
Are you providing funds for people to attend Conferences? (because you won't host one?)
Are you a safe place for those who are struggling within your community?
Are you a safe place for those who may identify themselves as LGBTTQ?
In your safe place, do you provide workshops, bible studies, and educational information on sexuality and gender?

When I left my gay identity and sought support within the Body of Christ, I was lucky (blessed), to have people who walked with me...a few close friends who supported me. But there are countless men and women who still live in fear, within the Body of Christ, who wouldn't dare even mention that they struggle with "this". Countless men and women who fear the "body of Christ" for good reason. I've heard plenty of stories.

I wonder if that's because they've heard words/jokes that would make it unsafe for them? I wonder if in their own journey's they look around and hardly hear people's authentic struggle with life. Struggles with lust, pornography, relationships, overeating, envy, shopping, etc!

It just struck me the other day...why it's so hard to get people to support this ministry. Why it's hard for people to even have us in to speak? Why do they wait till an emergency...and then who do you think they call? When the emergency has been just around the corner for all of us!

So, this may be a heavy...and if so, then you may want to think about donating! Maybe this is a challenge for you to see what the world is offering those whom we can't minister to because we lack the funds, resources and the people power to minister on the front lines.  If any of you want to know what is out there (culturally speaking) let me know and I will send you to some sites and you can see what it going on. 

If you want to hear more about ministries that are out there who are offering information, education, support to foster supportive relationships, Godly Gender and sexuality conferences, conferences to help marriages stay together and grow stronger, conferences for those who struggle with same sex attraction who are seeking support in not identifying as LGBTTQ...then let me know...I know plenty!

Crosspower Marriage Conference 2012

CPM Letter Video 2011 from Stonegate Fellowship on Vimeo.
This is a video by CrossPower Ministries in Midland, Texas. They put on a Marriage Conference where one or both spouses struggle with same sex attraction. The couples attend as well as their mentor couples. They also have a Conference for Parents.

I wrote this letter, not knowing that it would one day be spoken in this manner. Each time I hear it, I cry. Seriously. I am reminded of part of the Body who is really LOVING, RISKING, and being challenged themselves to give, to love and to embrace. Each time we have gone, we are ministered to deeply.

We are so looking forward to attending again this year. If you are interested in supporting us financially as we travel down we would gratefully appreciate it. If you would like to help please email me at kennyp66@gmail.com Even if you cannot help financially, we would cherish your prayers for us and our marriage.

Blessings,

Kenny & Paula

Trans....ition!

Gender identity can be very complex and complicated. Each persons who struggles with their gender identity is unique and precious in Jesus' eyes. He looks at the heart and not so much the outer appearance.

How many times do we base all our assumptions just on the outward and have no clue as to what it happening on the inside? Sometimes we may think, "oh...if __________ just got their life together, everything would be great. If they could just look and act like everyone else...you know...not be so out of place!"

I wonder a lot about how we welcome people into our lives, families and the body of Christ. I wonder how we welcome those who just don't quite fit our definitions or even our conveniences. It got me thinking of when I was gay identified.

When I came out at 30...it shocked a lot of people. Mostly because my journey was pretty isolated to my own self. I didn't let a lot of people in to see my internal struggles. Recently God has been healing my own perceptions of gender distortions. For years, I secretly longed to be a female. This began in my early years (probably around the age of 5 or 6). I didn't at that time pronounce that I wanted to be a girl, I just felt out of place and awkward in my body. I didn't want to be a boy...and I saw all these girls that played with dolls, dressed up and I liked that. I wished I could do all of that, so I began interpreting that "I was a mistake, that I wasn't like other boys and that I should have been a girl." Now, if I was affirmed as a boy (that masculinity is really caring for others...being gentle to dolls, and creative...dressing up) maybe with the help of good interpretation of my recording that distortion may not have happened. So internally I struggled with my sense of gender. Secretly dressing up in my mother/sisters clothes and when no one was around, I bound myself, wore make up and tried to look convincing. Early on...I certainly did. I prided myself in looking like a girl. I didn't have a word for this longing or desire. I found out later through the internet and through Television that this was "trangender". It kinda fit for me. Maybe this was why I was attracted to the same sex. Maybe it was because I was born in the wrong body...that God really did make a mistake, that somehow my DNA and hormones were screwed up. This was a birth defect!!!

But the idea of talking about this with my family, with those around me (small town) was totally unacceptable. I resigned deep within me that maybe someday I would transition. So in secret, I dressed up. Until I came out as gay identified, I began playing with make up, dressing up and eventually would go out in public on Halloween or other occasions dressed as a woman...always in the safety of the fact that it was now deemed "drag". I over exaggerated the "look" of being a female. I was pretty convincing on a few occasions. I went so far as to even ask my partner if I ever did want to transition would he be okay with it. Surprisingly he was.

So deep down, there was always this longing to transition. Some of the things that stopped me was the extensive surgery, the apparent need for plastic surgery to make my face more feminine (softer lines, smaller nose, removing the adam's apple, electrolysis, implants and the necessary removal of my genitalia. Even though growing up I hated my anatomy, I couldn't think of that. Maybe internally it meant that I would no longer be able to father a child (naturally). I know that I thought a lot about it and it sometimes consumed me with fantasy and dreams and hopes of a different life as a woman.

Today, I was reminded of God's saving grace and mercy. How almost 7 years ago, He showed me a bigger picture and began restoring my broken gender identity. My identity as a male and my security in my body is almost 180 degrees different. There are days when the residuals of my past creep in, old thought patterns and thinking try to overwhelm me. When I see men who on the outside appear stronger more capable more confidant than me and the insecurities try to consume me, I remind myself that I am a good gift right where I am at. That in my own mess, God is the one who continual cleans and affirms me. It is His voice that is the one of acceptance and worth.

My life is not perfect, I don't have it all together, I sometimes act quite different than those around me, sometimes I am awkward in social settings and say or do things others wouldn't. I am reminded all the time that I am not out of place. Jesus welcomes me to the foot of the cross and there standing beside me is other children of God. The seemingly "put together pastor", the drunkard, the prostitute, the orphan, the widow, the mother, sister, brother, father, co-worker, neighbor, teenager, gay, lesbian, transgender, two spirited, queer, adulterer, liar, thief, gossiper, those who envy, covet, idolators, the rich, the poor. The list goes on.

At the cross we lay down our broken lives and hope is put into us. Extravagant mercy is extended to us. With that extravagance is this amazing gift of grace and truth. Truth to who we are created to be. Truth of the glorious inheritance that we have and importance of our gender and sexual identities.

Psalm 50...reads well of this beautiful grace and mercy as well as discipline and hope. It ends with "But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God."

Lord Jesus...I give you thanks for opening my eyes, giving me new vision to see the importance of my gender. How you created me is no mistake, I honor my body as your creation. I am thankful that I didn't put it into the hands of others nor distorted and changed it to be something else. Jesus, I plead that you would meet each of us where we are at, would you give new sight. Bring a revelation of your mercy and love and pour out true understanding to your children...and those not yet your children. Bring clarity to our sense of gender and sexual identities...that are not based on others views, but of yours. Amen

The Cure?

The word CURE is a word that can illicit strong emotion given a persons life journey or even naivety of the journey of someone else.

From www.thefreedictionary.com the definition of cure is as listed below...

cure (kyr)
n.
1. Restoration of health; recovery from disease.
2. A method or course of medical treatment used to restore health.
3. An agent, such as a drug, that restores health; a remedy.
4. Something that corrects or relieves a harmful or disturbing situation: The cats proved to be a good cure for our mouse problem.
5. Ecclesiastical Spiritual charge or care, as of a priest for a congregation.
6. The office or duties of a curate.
7. The act or process of preserving a product.
v. cured, cur·ing, cures
v.tr.
1. To restore to health.
2. To effect a recovery from: cure a cold.
3. To remove or remedy (something harmful or disturbing): cure an evil.
4. To preserve (meat, for example), as by salting, smoking, or aging.
5. To prepare, preserve, or finish (a substance) by a chemical or physical process.
6. To vulcanize (rubber).
v.intr.
1. To effect a cure or recovery: a medicine that cures.
2. To be prepared, preserved, or finished by a chemical or physical process: hams curing in the smokehouse.
[Middle English, from Old French, medical treatment, from Latin cra, from Archaic Latin coisa-.]
curer n.
cureless adj.
Synonyms: cure, heal, remedy
These verbs mean to set right an undesirable or unhealthy condition: cure an ailing economy; heal a wounded spirit; remedy a structural defect.


I have been mulling over this word, and the definition of it as it pertains to the issue of same gender attraction and primarily what this word means for me as I continue to walk out the realization that I am same gender attracted.

I am a male, I am married to a female and I have a child. For those who know my journey, they could use the word "cured" in a way that means, Kenny is cured from homosexuality. That has actually been communicated with me. The very fact that I am married to a woman, must mean I am cured of same sex attraction.

WRONG

First, my definition of cure means so much more than a simplistic definition or even worldly view. It has everything to do with my relationship with Jesus. It is a fundamental shift from a regulatory meaning of cure to a spiritual cure. Cure for me comes from acknowledging that I no longer am in control of my sexuality. I have submitted that to God. He is in charge of that aspect of my life. Now you could think...WHAT? God is in charge of your body and your sexuality?

Why wouldn't it? If we view the fact that we are born into sin Psalm 51:5 (or the propensity right from birth to sin) and realize from Jeremiah 17:9 and our hearts are quick to deceive us The heart (our feelings, will and intellect) is deceitful (fraudulent, crooked, polluted) above all things desperately wicked (to be frail, feeble, incurable, sick, woeful) who can know(properly, to ascertain by seeing; used in a great variety of senses, figuratively, literally, euphemistically and inferentially) it.

My 'cure' did not come from a program, a ministry or saying or doing the right thing, and it didn't come with the disappearance of my same sex attraction. Change/Cure came from my acknowledging that I am no longer in control of my sexuality. It was acknowledging the importance of Godly sexuality and handing over the controls to God, rather than taking it into my own hands, controlling it. It was also experiencing the breadth and depth of the grace extended through Christ. So often we demand others to quickly conform or give them unrealistic expectations to how someone heals and is restored. Sometimes it is proclaimed that to be cured, one must not experience a struggle or temptation with the issue ever again. My 'cure' came by acknowledging that Jesus died for my sin. He took my humanness and placed it on the cross. He leveled the ground at the cross...not only inviting me there, but everyone else too! We are all welcome at the cross of Christ. It was realizing that even though I will most likely struggle with my gender identity or my self worth as a male, that the residuals of my sin nature will continue to cause tension within me, I have settled that I live in this place. Not in drudgery, or complacency, but with a hunger to know God more, to know my worth in him and to know that through Jesus, I rise not in my own power/strength but through the resurrection mercy or Jesus, who is my strength...who has extended a gift of grace to me which frees me from condemnation, frees me from trying to be perfect, trying to meet all the requirements...He frees me to enter into a love relationship with him. This beautiful relational dance, where He leads and I submit everything!

So...am I cured? Yes...and I continue to be cured through the work of Jesus and the cross, until I meet with him face to face. Jesus has set right an undesirable or unhealthy condition (my sexuality) and he asks me to honor it by giving it back to him...all the time, especially when I don't want to. He is the one setting it right...He is the one who sets right all unhealthy conditions. As Paul stated...1 Timothy 1:15 "This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners"--and I am the worst of them all."

Authenticity in the journey

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that writing comments on other people's blogs and maybe even entering into dialogue with them via the stream of online communication, apart from video calls, could possibly be deemed useless. I think it can work, but you really need to be careful with clarification and asking questions, to further dialogue and get a better understanding of what is being said. Terminology and wording is subjective...and can be misconstrued.

So much is being written about sexual identity...authenticity and some of it is very insensitive. I am to some degree quite frankly saddened by some of the misconceptions that are out there, and things that are being written regarding some of the responses and attitudes.

I am pretty authentic in my faith and my journey of who I am as a sexual male. I have great friends who I LOVE, who understand me, accept me and validate who I am. But my ultimate validation, love and acceptance comes from God...and not others. It is God who affirms me and calls me out of the wilderness and it was God who called me out of my captivity. For me, that captivity was the deception that being gay (and the use of that descriptive word was just that...a way I described myself, just as I would the color of my eyes, my height, my likes, dislikes, to me it was unchangeable)was okay. I had bought into the belief that I just needed to accept the fact that God made me gay...created me that way and I needed to get past the guilt and shame I felt as a christian.

For me...reconciling the two never worked. I chose being gay. That didn't mean I never tried. I did. I tried affirming congregations. I tried groups, but to me, there was something missing. I never felt a depth or an authenticity in those gatherings and it just felt like a political, or social justice meeting. Every time we met, we addressed the issues surrounding something about being lgbt defined as it pertained to policies...politics...and social justice meetings etc. I realized that in a lot of ways, I went from one extreme to another. It was disheartening and disenchanting. So, I privately prayed...but mostly, just lived life. I went to work, paid my taxes, lived with my partner, traveled, and pretty much did what other couples did.

but...having not addressed some key issues in my life, reconciling faithfulness wasn't in my reality but neither was that for a lot of my friends...and I will say that was true for my straight friends and my lgbt friends.
I was mostly happy. I had a good life.

So in the midst of all of this...why...if God so loved me as a gay man...why would he audibly call me out of that description and into something different? It doesn't make sense.
Some people would justify that...oh...then you weren't gay to begin with...or you didn't hear God? Or for you...being gay wasn't your true orientation.
The same people would justify saying that because I still struggle with same sex attraction...that I am lying and that I am not being authentic, that I am depressed, that I don't know who I am and in so, can't authentically minister to others. That my true orientation is gay...and I should label myself as gay and that I am now in a mixed orientation marriage.
Sounds like a lot of critique...right?

We need to be honest as to where we are at...reality! What is our reality? We need to be authentic in this...we also need to be authentic in the fact that we no longer live...Jesus Christ now lives in us. This doesn't mean we "lose ourselves" or our sense of "being", it actually is a "coming into the fullness of who we are as a gift to those around us". It is truly knowing ourselves and the complexities of understanding who we are...as God's created ones. He designed and predestined us all...and desires each of us to come to the knowledge of just how much HE loves us. That is really exciting if you ask me. It isn't a doom and gloom message of give this up...take away that, but in reality, recognizing all the stuff in my life matters, but not so much as to follow Christ. He asks us to come "follow him" to give up much, but not to lose who we are...HIS!

My reality is that I still face same sex attraction from time to time. It isn't as intense. I have learned a lot about ssa and it isn't this huge defining thing in my life. I don't condemn those whose journey is different than mine, or how it looks for them, but for me, I have experienced Jesus healing many factors surrounding ssa.

I also realize that this isn't something that defines me and that doesn't make me non authentic. I am honest with it and with others...but I am much more than this and I have a whole pile of stuff that God is dealing with in me...things that he wants to touch and heal and restore. I have also come to realize that our sexuality, is very important to God. The things God created is important and we have a thief that comes to kill and destroy and my personal belief is that this thief comes to distort and deceive and that is part of living in a sinful and fallen world.

Today...I kinda feel like venting. To just get things out of my head. It's late though and I have a full day tomorrow.

Pray for us, as we continue to seek God and His heart for his children.