I've pretty much come to the conclusion that writing comments on other people's blogs and maybe even entering into dialogue with them via the stream of online communication, apart from video calls, could possibly be deemed useless. I think it can work, but you really need to be careful with clarification and asking questions, to further dialogue and get a better understanding of what is being said. Terminology and wording is subjective...and can be misconstrued.
So much is being written about sexual identity...authenticity and some of it is very insensitive. I am to some degree quite frankly saddened by some of the misconceptions that are out there, and things that are being written regarding some of the responses and attitudes.
I am pretty authentic in my faith and my journey of who I am as a sexual male. I have great friends who I LOVE, who understand me, accept me and validate who I am. But my ultimate validation, love and acceptance comes from God...and not others. It is God who affirms me and calls me out of the wilderness and it was God who called me out of my captivity. For me, that captivity was the deception that being gay (and the use of that descriptive word was just that...a way I described myself, just as I would the color of my eyes, my height, my likes, dislikes, to me it was unchangeable)was okay. I had bought into the belief that I just needed to accept the fact that God made me gay...created me that way and I needed to get past the guilt and shame I felt as a christian.
For me...reconciling the two never worked. I chose being gay. That didn't mean I never tried. I did. I tried affirming congregations. I tried groups, but to me, there was something missing. I never felt a depth or an authenticity in those gatherings and it just felt like a political, or social justice meeting. Every time we met, we addressed the issues surrounding something about being lgbt defined as it pertained to policies...politics...and social justice meetings etc. I realized that in a lot of ways, I went from one extreme to another. It was disheartening and disenchanting. So, I privately prayed...but mostly, just lived life. I went to work, paid my taxes, lived with my partner, traveled, and pretty much did what other couples did.
but...having not addressed some key issues in my life, reconciling faithfulness wasn't in my reality but neither was that for a lot of my friends...and I will say that was true for my straight friends and my lgbt friends.
I was mostly happy. I had a good life.
So in the midst of all of this...why...if God so loved me as a gay man...why would he audibly call me out of that description and into something different? It doesn't make sense.
Some people would justify that...oh...then you weren't gay to begin with...or you didn't hear God? Or for you...being gay wasn't your true orientation.
The same people would justify saying that because I still struggle with same sex attraction...that I am lying and that I am not being authentic, that I am depressed, that I don't know who I am and in so, can't authentically minister to others. That my true orientation is gay...and I should label myself as gay and that I am now in a mixed orientation marriage.
Sounds like a lot of critique...right?
We need to be honest as to where we are at...reality! What is our reality? We need to be authentic in this...we also need to be authentic in the fact that we no longer live...Jesus Christ now lives in us. This doesn't mean we "lose ourselves" or our sense of "being", it actually is a "coming into the fullness of who we are as a gift to those around us". It is truly knowing ourselves and the complexities of understanding who we are...as God's created ones. He designed and predestined us all...and desires each of us to come to the knowledge of just how much HE loves us. That is really exciting if you ask me. It isn't a doom and gloom message of give this up...take away that, but in reality, recognizing all the stuff in my life matters, but not so much as to follow Christ. He asks us to come "follow him" to give up much, but not to lose who we are...HIS!
My reality is that I still face same sex attraction from time to time. It isn't as intense. I have learned a lot about ssa and it isn't this huge defining thing in my life. I don't condemn those whose journey is different than mine, or how it looks for them, but for me, I have experienced Jesus healing many factors surrounding ssa.
I also realize that this isn't something that defines me and that doesn't make me non authentic. I am honest with it and with others...but I am much more than this and I have a whole pile of stuff that God is dealing with in me...things that he wants to touch and heal and restore. I have also come to realize that our sexuality, is very important to God. The things God created is important and we have a thief that comes to kill and destroy and my personal belief is that this thief comes to distort and deceive and that is part of living in a sinful and fallen world.
Today...I kinda feel like venting. To just get things out of my head. It's late though and I have a full day tomorrow.
Pray for us, as we continue to seek God and His heart for his children.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Daddy Ballet
So my 2 year old loves to dance ballet. We press the pre-recorded piano music on the piano and she gets on her tutu, her leg warmers...her hair in a bun...and daddy...well, daddy in tights.
We dance and jump and skip and giggle and it is profound. Why? Because I see an eternal God that will continue to WOW me...for eternity. Yep...a small step to dance, or you could say leap, and the look on my daughters eyes, brings me to tears of laughter. Oh...I love her so much. My Father God...he longs to dance with me, for me to take moments and come to him and say...Daddy...ballet? But I get caught up in adult things...like paying bills, going to work, cleaning the house, watching TV, and all the while Daddy is waiting for me to say..."Daddy, I need you, want you, and won't you dance with me today!"
Strange a 45 year old man...thinking of daddy ballet...but it is really profound when you think about it.
I can't wait till I get home...5 more sleeps...and then daddy ballet...with the most beautiful 2 year old around. Phoebe...daddy loves you!
Dad's...if you haven't danced with your daughter...there's no time like the present.
here I go
Whew...so much to read and listen to and get informed about. Very good! I'm not so much complaining as I realize, there is so much more to do...and say...and live.
I've been reminded over and over again, that culture and the world around me isn't my destiny, nor definition and that I am focused on the one and only God...that called me to being...who imagined me before anyone did. My struggle with gender and the distorted views that I have had...have diminished...and yet there is always residual things that creep up. I am so glad to be married to an amazing woman who laughs with me and enjoys the ride! I love her so much more today than I did when we got married.
Tomorrow, I leave for Orlando to attend the Exodus Leadership Conference. I am looking forward to the event. Curious as ever to see what God has for us and what He will be showing me as it pertains to the journey ahead. God has been pouring out his wisdom and understanding in new and fresh ways this year. Grace and mercy...grace and mercy.
To be honest...I think about the conference and I think about my attendance...and I am really stoked about the worship. God is pushing me into worship and to step out and sing...and to play...which has brought up a lot of stuff. I grew up in the performance mode of playing piano and singing. It was something that I loved, but you have to face it...for me, piano festivals...and chorus festivals brought out a lot of fear in me...insecurity...and really for me it was all about perfectionism. I had to be perfect. I couldn't mess up. If I did...that was it.
So fast forward to this year...I am stepping out to worship lead...to be on a worship team...and what rears it's ugly head...but perfectionism...a fear of making a mistake. I'm glad it did. Because it is something that I really don't want nor stand in my life...and so I send it away. I take risks...take every opportunity that comes my way...trusting that God is in it...will walk me through it...and give me the strength. I worship him. I play for him...I sing for him.
So here I go...off to Orlando...off to warmer weather (I hope) and off to meet with some amazing people, who love God...who have given up lots to serve their king.
May the Lord be honored and glorified and lifted up. If you think about us, please pray that we keep God front and center and that we will be refreshed from these meetings.
Please also pray for protection and provision for Paula and Phoebe. Provision is something that we are praying about...it has been very tight...and so much so that some days...we don't know how we will make it...but we know God has good things in store. Thanks to each of you who pray and read this...I am looking to write more...ya, ya...I said it before. But really, I hope that this year, is one of increased writing.
Love ya!
I've been reminded over and over again, that culture and the world around me isn't my destiny, nor definition and that I am focused on the one and only God...that called me to being...who imagined me before anyone did. My struggle with gender and the distorted views that I have had...have diminished...and yet there is always residual things that creep up. I am so glad to be married to an amazing woman who laughs with me and enjoys the ride! I love her so much more today than I did when we got married.
Tomorrow, I leave for Orlando to attend the Exodus Leadership Conference. I am looking forward to the event. Curious as ever to see what God has for us and what He will be showing me as it pertains to the journey ahead. God has been pouring out his wisdom and understanding in new and fresh ways this year. Grace and mercy...grace and mercy.
To be honest...I think about the conference and I think about my attendance...and I am really stoked about the worship. God is pushing me into worship and to step out and sing...and to play...which has brought up a lot of stuff. I grew up in the performance mode of playing piano and singing. It was something that I loved, but you have to face it...for me, piano festivals...and chorus festivals brought out a lot of fear in me...insecurity...and really for me it was all about perfectionism. I had to be perfect. I couldn't mess up. If I did...that was it.
So fast forward to this year...I am stepping out to worship lead...to be on a worship team...and what rears it's ugly head...but perfectionism...a fear of making a mistake. I'm glad it did. Because it is something that I really don't want nor stand in my life...and so I send it away. I take risks...take every opportunity that comes my way...trusting that God is in it...will walk me through it...and give me the strength. I worship him. I play for him...I sing for him.
So here I go...off to Orlando...off to warmer weather (I hope) and off to meet with some amazing people, who love God...who have given up lots to serve their king.
May the Lord be honored and glorified and lifted up. If you think about us, please pray that we keep God front and center and that we will be refreshed from these meetings.
Please also pray for protection and provision for Paula and Phoebe. Provision is something that we are praying about...it has been very tight...and so much so that some days...we don't know how we will make it...but we know God has good things in store. Thanks to each of you who pray and read this...I am looking to write more...ya, ya...I said it before. But really, I hope that this year, is one of increased writing.
Love ya!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
a side - b side = forgiveness
Oh there is this buzz in the air...a hum of activity. People reading, searching out blogs that have any reference to the latest Gay Christian Network Conference recently held in Orlando.
The comments have been flying as to why the President of Exodus was asked to be on the panel discussion. This has raised a lot of concern on both what people term side a and b.
I was sent the audio of the panel to listen to. I spent a couple of hours digesting what was said, the feelings that came across as I listened and then afterwards let it rest for a while as the thoughts began to "percolate" around my mind. A few days later, I began reading responses and comments from various people.
I won't expound on any one person, as there is just too many people writing on this event. (I do want to remind readers and I have to remind myself as well, that we can get caught up in various arenas of thought and expressions that we lose sight of getting out there and serving. There are many people in need and we are called to cloth, feed, comfort and take care of people...so lets do it)
I came away from listening and reading with a couple of thoughts.
For me, I had some serious trauma growing up. If we study brain science (Dr. Karl Lehman is doing some great work in this field) we can see that many people have some form of trauma in their lives (trauma can be described as some form of event that caused us to record/interpret an event falsely due to varying factors (this usually happens in childhood), it can be from not receiving legitimate emotional or basic things, and it can also be severe abusive experiences, emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual).
For myself, it was many of those factors, which caused me to begin to interpret all the things that I saw and experienced around me. To an outsider, we all looked pretty normal but on the inside, I was pretty messed up.
What I am getting at here...is that we will walk in relationships, talk to people out of our experiences in life. We can hold on to deep wounds...we can use that to whip or hurl anger at another person, we can hold on to unforgiveness while holding a placard up saying...we deserve an apology!! All of this within the body of Christ.
For myself, I've had to lay a lot down. I have had to continually walk out forgiving others...and letting go. Sometimes, in my humanness, I pick it back up, carry it again, but it becomes toxic and I am reminded...oh ya, this stinks. So back I go again, forgiving.
A few thoughts flew around as I listened.
1. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "once gay always gay?"
2. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're just lying to yourself"?
3. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're in a mixed orientation marriage"?
4. Does culture owe me?
When I broke up with my gay partner (because our relationship had fallen apart) and then met the Lord who drew me out of a gay identity paradigm...calling me to walk authentically in my faith...and then my ex partner took me to the cleaners and ultimately, I was left with almost nothing financially...DOES HE OWE ME?
WHO OWES ME? When I think about all the hurt and the unforgiveness that I listen to and hear, I think...no one owes us anything...but rather...we owe Jesus... EVERYTHING!
This isn't to just pat people on the back and tell them to get over their pain. On the contrary...it is saying...your pain is important and Jesus is able to carry it and allow you to let it go and to not carry it again. Because it becomes smelly and stinky and you become the very thing you can't forgive.
No ones life is free from pain or sorrow, some type of grief or wounding. When we hold on to unforgiveness...we begin to tell...yell...proclaim that the other person needs to STOP, the other person needs to pay...the other person is horrible. We begin to paint a picture with broad strokes putting everyone who may be associated with that person on the same canvas. If I can be so bold as to say, this is true for those on SIDE A and SIDE B. (and I kinda hate that whole side a and b descriptive...or the us vs them)
Another thought that came was "we are all human...and to human is to fall short and hurt others...we will do that...it's inevitable! But to offer grace and mercy to others is a great blessing, something that we don't do well, when entitlement and unforgiveness is holding us hostage."
I've also been described as being in a mixed orientation marriage...the fact that I am still same sex attracted, but married to a woman...who also was at one point same sex attracted (who by the way...isn't anymore), this descriptive isn't fair nor correct. I would rather say it as I am in a mixed gender marriage...I am a man, married to a woman. My orientation...is no longer defined by my sex drive. My orientation is now defined by my creator, and in him, I am a new creation, the old has passed away. That is one reason I no longer hold the descriptive that I am gay. That isn't who I am anymore. I mean no disrespect, but I stand on scripture and who I am called.
In the end...we have all been wounded...and we have all wounded. None of us is perfect, and none of us will be perfect. What we do with that is up to us. We can continue to carry our placard...pounding our fists...or we can lay down the stink...and get on with it. Forgiveness begins with a simple statement, and then a lifelong journey to continually lay it down at the cross.
So side a...and side b...it's all up to you! What are you doing to do?
The comments have been flying as to why the President of Exodus was asked to be on the panel discussion. This has raised a lot of concern on both what people term side a and b.
I was sent the audio of the panel to listen to. I spent a couple of hours digesting what was said, the feelings that came across as I listened and then afterwards let it rest for a while as the thoughts began to "percolate" around my mind. A few days later, I began reading responses and comments from various people.
I won't expound on any one person, as there is just too many people writing on this event. (I do want to remind readers and I have to remind myself as well, that we can get caught up in various arenas of thought and expressions that we lose sight of getting out there and serving. There are many people in need and we are called to cloth, feed, comfort and take care of people...so lets do it)
I came away from listening and reading with a couple of thoughts.
For me, I had some serious trauma growing up. If we study brain science (Dr. Karl Lehman is doing some great work in this field) we can see that many people have some form of trauma in their lives (trauma can be described as some form of event that caused us to record/interpret an event falsely due to varying factors (this usually happens in childhood), it can be from not receiving legitimate emotional or basic things, and it can also be severe abusive experiences, emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual).
For myself, it was many of those factors, which caused me to begin to interpret all the things that I saw and experienced around me. To an outsider, we all looked pretty normal but on the inside, I was pretty messed up.
What I am getting at here...is that we will walk in relationships, talk to people out of our experiences in life. We can hold on to deep wounds...we can use that to whip or hurl anger at another person, we can hold on to unforgiveness while holding a placard up saying...we deserve an apology!! All of this within the body of Christ.
For myself, I've had to lay a lot down. I have had to continually walk out forgiving others...and letting go. Sometimes, in my humanness, I pick it back up, carry it again, but it becomes toxic and I am reminded...oh ya, this stinks. So back I go again, forgiving.
A few thoughts flew around as I listened.
1. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "once gay always gay?"
2. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're just lying to yourself"?
3. Does culture owe me an apology for saying to me "you're in a mixed orientation marriage"?
4. Does culture owe me?
When I broke up with my gay partner (because our relationship had fallen apart) and then met the Lord who drew me out of a gay identity paradigm...calling me to walk authentically in my faith...and then my ex partner took me to the cleaners and ultimately, I was left with almost nothing financially...DOES HE OWE ME?
WHO OWES ME? When I think about all the hurt and the unforgiveness that I listen to and hear, I think...no one owes us anything...but rather...we owe Jesus... EVERYTHING!
This isn't to just pat people on the back and tell them to get over their pain. On the contrary...it is saying...your pain is important and Jesus is able to carry it and allow you to let it go and to not carry it again. Because it becomes smelly and stinky and you become the very thing you can't forgive.
No ones life is free from pain or sorrow, some type of grief or wounding. When we hold on to unforgiveness...we begin to tell...yell...proclaim that the other person needs to STOP, the other person needs to pay...the other person is horrible. We begin to paint a picture with broad strokes putting everyone who may be associated with that person on the same canvas. If I can be so bold as to say, this is true for those on SIDE A and SIDE B. (and I kinda hate that whole side a and b descriptive...or the us vs them)
Another thought that came was "we are all human...and to human is to fall short and hurt others...we will do that...it's inevitable! But to offer grace and mercy to others is a great blessing, something that we don't do well, when entitlement and unforgiveness is holding us hostage."
I've also been described as being in a mixed orientation marriage...the fact that I am still same sex attracted, but married to a woman...who also was at one point same sex attracted (who by the way...isn't anymore), this descriptive isn't fair nor correct. I would rather say it as I am in a mixed gender marriage...I am a man, married to a woman. My orientation...is no longer defined by my sex drive. My orientation is now defined by my creator, and in him, I am a new creation, the old has passed away. That is one reason I no longer hold the descriptive that I am gay. That isn't who I am anymore. I mean no disrespect, but I stand on scripture and who I am called.
In the end...we have all been wounded...and we have all wounded. None of us is perfect, and none of us will be perfect. What we do with that is up to us. We can continue to carry our placard...pounding our fists...or we can lay down the stink...and get on with it. Forgiveness begins with a simple statement, and then a lifelong journey to continually lay it down at the cross.
So side a...and side b...it's all up to you! What are you doing to do?
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